If you need to know one thing about me, it's that I absolutely hate confrontation. I will do almost everything to not have to confront someone about something. So here's me kind of confronting a problem, but still avoiding telling people face to face because I'm a huge chicken.
These last few months have been a bit of a struggle bus for me. If I'm being honest, it kind of started a year ago. A few semesters ago, I was in my English education capstone class. We did a personality test, and I learned I was a phlegmatic (easy going, quiet, etc.). My teacher explained that out of all the teacher personalities, phlegmatics get burned out the fastest. As I got to know my personality better, I started to wonder if I really did want to be a teacher, or if I'd just wanted to be one for so long that I just went with it. This last semester I did my student teaching. There was definitely at least one or two days where I really liked it, but most of the days I didn't. I told people I was loving it because that's what they expected. I think I was also hoping if I said it enough then I would believe it. When I finished student teaching, everyone kept pressuring me to get job interviews. Every interview I went to I felt uncomfortable and knew I didn't want to be there. I almost started crying before one because I felt so sick being there. I stopped going to interviews and just avoided questions about getting a job as best I could, still not telling anyone how I felt. I wasn't sure if I was just afraid of taking the next step into adulthood, or if I really shouldn't be teaching. I started to pray about it a few weeks ago and I was struggling to get an answer. People kept trying to help me find a job, and I would just shut down and try to change the subject. I was grateful for their help, but I also hated that I felt like I couldn't tell them what I was feeling. I was afraid of disappointing the people around me. I've talked about being a teacher since I was in elementary school, and everyone has kind of expected it since then. I also didn't want to tell them because then they might be mad that I wasted my time and money, not to mention my family's time and money, in going to school for five years to end up in something I didn't want to be in. I already feel like I've disappointed people in so many other aspects of my life, I didn't want to do it again. Finally, a few days ago I remembered a lesson I had in institute once about receiving revelation. My teacher said that sometimes we have to make our own decision, then ask Heavenly Father if it is the right decision. I was in my car driving home from Provo, feeling very confused about where my life needed to go. I decided then to not be a teacher, for now, and asked God if that was okay. Almost immediately after I made the decision, I felt more peaceful than I had in a long time. I felt like a giant load had been taken off of my shoulders.
So here I am, living at my parents, working a part time job that is only $9/hr, the family disappointment, but I feel alright with that for now. I want those who have supported me and tried to help me find a teaching job that I am grateful for them, but I'm where I need to be at the moment. I just need to find out what interests me enough to go into. All I know is I like books, movies, and helping people. I'm considering a masters degree in Library Sciences so I can be around books, a masters in film studies so I can be around movies, or possibly a masters in counseling/therapy because I want to help people, and I'm good at listening to their problems. I think it would also be really cool to try to work/live in England somehow, but I have no idea where to even begin with that. Also my dad once told me he had a dream I worked in the forest service, so who knows what the future will bring? If you have any suggestions I'm completely open to them. All I have left to say is
because I'm going to be here a while.
Jaclyn out.
