I'll admit, the first two months, I wasn't really putting my whole heart into the job search. Can you really blame me, though? Job searching is the worst! But I was also kind of glad I didn't have a job at the time. I had a few weddings I wanted to go to, which I wouldn't have to take time off for. My grandpa passed away shortly after I got back, so I wouldn't have to take time off for that. We found out my mom had breast cancer, so I was able to go to appointments with her (she's good now, by the way. It was stage zero and they were able to get it out). I have also been able to go visit my other grandpa and his wife every week because I didn't have work. I've also been able to help neighbors and friends with some stuff as well. When I wasn't doing any of this, I was learning to bake, which has been a lot of fun. Anyway, the point it, I didn't feel the need for a job because I had other stuff going on.
The third month is when I started to feel more and more pressure to get a job. Everyone I saw was asking me about it. My parents didn't ask me as much, but I could tell they were starting to get irritated that I wasn't doing anything because making delicious treats. I'm really grateful that they didn't keep asking me about it, but I could feel the unsaid pressure to get a job. It started to weigh down on me, a lot. I started to get depressed and my self-confidence was in the toilet. I felt like I was letting my whole family down. I was having a huge war inside my brain about whether I should just take any job, so my family would be happy for me or if I should hold out until I found a job that would make me happy. Out of the jobs I had applied for, mostly editing or content writing, I had one interview that my sister had set up for me at her work to be a receptionist. It wasn't what I wanted to do, but I almost took it because my sister was nice enough to set it up for me and because I knew my parents would be happy I was finally doing something besides baking bread. I was tearing myself up inside trying to decide what to do. I finally decided not to take the job because the whole point of me quitting my last job was to do something I really wanted to do, not to please other people.
After making that decision, I got even more depressed because no where else I had applied to was calling me back for an interview. I wasn't good enough for them, just like I wasn't good enough for my friends and family. I was taking my own insecurities out on other people. I was pretty much at constant war inside my head. I was telling myself I was a terrible person, I didn't deserve to have such good friends and family members. I was the worst sister because I snapped a few times. I was the worst daughter because I was avoiding telling my parents anything about my job search because I didn't want to give them hope that I would have a job soon and be out of their hair. I had so many emotions piling up. One day, at a church activity, my Bishop's wife asked me how I was doing, and I started to cry because I was beating myself up so much. We had a nice talk, but I was still just as confused as before.
The next day, I went to an LDS Temple and did a few ordinances. I prayed for help to know what to do. Later that day, I got a text asking if I could meet with my Bishop that night. When I got there, he first asked if I knew why I was there. I said no, and he said neither did he, he just felt like God wanted him to talk to me. So I opened up just a little about the job search, and how I was struggling to know where to go/what to do. He suggested I study the talk "Abound with Blessings" by Elder Renlund for a few weeks. I learned that blessings come in God's timing, we just need to have faith and continue to do what is asked of us. We also need to ask for blessings, which is a hard one for me. I feel like I'm being selfish asking for blessings, but God wants to bless us, we just need to be humble and ask for those blessings. I'm really grateful that my Bishop listened to the prompting to meet with me that night.
After I met with the Bishop, I felt like I needed to meet with my therapist because my mental state was far from healthy at the moment. It took a lot of courage for me to set up an appointment. It had been a while since I had seen him because I had started to feel better and that I could handle my problems on my own. I finally humbled myself enough to go see him again, and I'm so glad I did. He's literally the best. He understood my frustration with my job search. He understood that it can really bring self-confidence down. He comforted me while also helping me question if finding my dream job right now was more important than finding a job for now, that might lead to the dream job, that might help me fix my relationships was more important. He helped me see that job searching was my full-time job right now and that I had to continually put myself out there. The more I put myself out there, the more connections I would be making. Then instead of nitpicking the jobs I would apply for, I might have a couple job offers, and I would be able to pick from those what I wanted to do. He helped me come up with a goal to apply for at least three jobs a day, so that's what I started to do.
I'll admit, there were one or two days where it took all of my mental energy just to apply for one job, but for the most part I was able to complete my goal. I knew I was trying harder and that I would be blessed for doing my part.
I did start to see more results. I had a phone interview for an editing job for Overstock.com, and I edited a preliminary PDF for an editing job at BYU. I didn't hear back from either of them, though, which was hard. Last week, I got two interviews set up with Lehi city to be a preschool/kindergarten aide. Then, one morning, I was reading in The Book of Mormon, Moroni 7:26 where it says "Whatsoever thing ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is good, in faith believing that ye shall receive, behold, it shall be done unto you". I got down on my knees and prayed to get a job where I was needed. I had prayed about getting a job before, but not as sincerely as this time. A few hours later, I got a call from an elementary school I had applied to. I was asked if I could meet with them the next day. We set up an interview time and hung up the phone. Ten minutes later, they called back and asked if I could just do a phone interview right then. They asked me a few questions then offered me the job on the spot. So, starting Monday, I will be a Teacher's Aide there. I'll be helping with their literacy program, French immersion classes, and other small things. I'm excited to see how it goes.
As for my self-confidence and depression, I'm not a 100% cured, but I am a lot better thanks to the people that have helped me out the last few weeks. I'm still learning that my self-worth is not determined by whether I'm good enough to work for a certain company or what someone thinks of me. It's based on what I think of myself and what God thinks of me. I've learned that my Heavenly Father thinks I'm amazing and that he is there every step trying to help me realize it too. He thinks I'm worth everything and more. Not only does he think this of me, but He thinks this of everyone in the world (yes, that means you). Yes, the last few months have been hard. There were so many times I was so confused. I felt like Heavenly Father wasn't answering my prayers and that I was alone. I know I wasn't alone. He was there and he was sending people to help me, but I had to open myself up to the help. I'm so grateful for my friends and family that have put up with me during my mood swings. I have also learned that we have to ask for the blessings we and trust in his timing. Things will always work out, sometimes we just have to wait a little bit and not lose faith or hope.
