This Year’s Journey to Self Love

 This last year has been one of the most challenging spiritually, mentally, and emotionally for me. A year ago on Valentine’s Day, I was getting up the courage to tell one of my best friends that I had feelings for him. I was really nervous but felt like it had to be done. I’m glad I did because we ended up dating for a few months. At this same time in my life, I was also feeling a little lost spiritually. I wasn’t as “good” as I thought I should be. I always acted like I was though. I thought people had a perception of me that I didn’t have any struggles, and I felt like I had to keep that persona up. When I was dating him, I knew I should be vulnerable and let my guard down, and in some ways I did, but not fully. I love his family and am grateful for how welcoming they were, but I felt like I always had to be “on”. Little did I know, I had a lot of underlying issues of self doubt, feelings of unworthiness, perfectionism, and feeling unlikeable. After we broke up, I stopped trying to bury these issues and just let them in, not in a healthy “I’m getting over it” way but in a “look at all these issues, I’m not good enough” kind of way. I didn’t trust myself, and I didn’t trust God’s plan for me. I was hurt over the break up and didn’t want to admit to myself that deep down I knew it was the right thing to do.

February 9, 2021, teaching Maggie to like herself because I was struggling to like myself and don’t want her to struggle with the same feelings of inadequacy.

I was really depressed for a few months. To be honest, I was mostly over the breakup, so it wasn’t because of that. I think I knew the whole time we dated that it wasn’t meant to be for us, but I wanted it so badly I ignored all the flags and promptings. I wanted to do my best to make it work no matter what. I’m actually really grateful that my boyfriend listened to the promptings he received and broke up with me because I wouldn’t have done it. He was very brave for doing it, and I sincerely hope he finds someone better suited for him. 

I was  depressed months after our breakup because I was struggling with my relationship with Heavenly Father and what I was supposed to be doing. I was trying to trust Him, but it was hard.

                    A poem I wrote a bit after the breakup about trusting in my Heavenly Father.

In the fall, I joined my church’s ten week emotional self reliance group. Not only did I make some really good friends in the class, but it also helped me realize I definitely needed a therapist because these issues weren’t going to go away on their own. In October, I found Karen Debirk, who does EMDR therapy. Over the next few months, we focused on working through a memory I had from elementary school I didn’t realize had hurt me as much as it did. It turned out to be one of the main reasons most of my insecurities about being likeable stemmed from. While processing a memory, we are supposed to picture someone we trust, someone who loves us unconditionally. I had a hard time with this because I didn’t feel worthy of anyone’s love. I even tried picturing Christ. For a time, it worked but at some point I didn’t even feel worthy of his love. So I got stuck. At this point, my therapist recommended I read Kristin Neff’s book “Self Compassion”. Listening to this book changed my whole perspective on how I should look at and treat myself. I should be my best supporter. I should be easy on myself, treat myself like I would my best friend if they were going through a hard time. I am only human. I am not alone in my struggles. Everyone has felt like I do when I’m struggling. I can’t even begin to say how this book changed my life. It took about three months for me to work through this memory, and I couldn’t have done it without this book. I also started to feel more worthy of God’s love. That whatever his plan was for me, it would all work out the way it was supposed to.

One of my favorite quotes from the book that helped me realize that the way I talked to myself wasn’t supportive but harmful.

Right after I started therapy, I started dating someone new.  He was really supportive of me going to therapy, and helped remind me of who I am. He helped me be goofy, we had the same punny sense of humor, similar temperaments. Even though he was great, I was also very afraid of getting into a new relationship. I started listening to general conference talks about fear, which helped me give my all in this relationship. That I should put faith in God and his plan over my mortal fears of getting hurt. I also started attending the temple more, which brought a lot more peace into my life. When I got through all the conference talks about fear, I started listening to ones about trusting the Lord. My boyfriend also helped me see that being fully vulnerable and opening up to someone is important. That it’s okay to let someone take care of me, I don’t have to do it all on my own.

A week after I finally finished processing that memory, my boyfriend and I talked and decided we wanted different things in life and decided to break up. I was very sad for a few days but the timing of his heartache couldn’t have been better, even if it was a week before Valentine’s Day. I have slowly been building up my trust and faith in God and his plan for me by studying talks and going to the temple, feeling peace about how my life will work out just fine no matter what. Since processing that memory a few weeks ago, I no longer feel unlikeable or the need to have everyone like me. That even if someone doesn’t like me, it’s not the end of the world. That I am still an amazing person. I feel like I am worthy of God’s love and forgiveness. I don’t feel the need to be perfect all the time. Even though I’m sad it didn’t work out with this man, I’m not as torn up as my last breakup because I am in a much better mental state, and I have more trust in Heavenly Father, and in myself. I’m not tearing myself down by wondering what I did wrong or wondering why I wasn’t good enough. We just weren’t meant to end up together and that’s okay. He is still a good friend, and I wish him all the happiness is the world. 

February 13, 2022

Comparing myself today to the person I was a year ago, I can’t believe the progress I have made emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I’m so grateful that I took the time, and am still taking the time, to work on me. EMDR therapy has helped me improve in so many ways. The most important thing I learned in the time between February 14, 2021 and February 14, 2022 is that I don’t need someone else to love me to prove I am good enough. I am enough just the way I am, imperfections and all. I need to love myself, and that’s finally what I’m doing. I’m trusting in God’s love and plan for me. I’m putting faith over fear. I feel like I’m finally myself again. This year has been tough. I went through two heartaches, mental and emotional self abuse, feeling lost, but I wouldn’t change anything that happened because it led me to feel the best I have about myself in a long time. I can finally look in the mirror and, not only tell myself how great I am, but I finally believe it. I still get depressed and insecure, but I’m more compassionate with myself when I do. I turn to the love I am worthy of instead of pulling away. I am finally my own friend, I finally trust I am worthy of God’s love, and I wouldn’t change that for the world. 

 

What’s a blogpost without bloooper photos?

Processing Emotions Healthily with Christ

Heavenly Father wants us to be the best person we possibly can be. He wants us to make the right choices, minister to those around us, and to be examples to the world around us. God sees a lot of potential in you and me. He sees us for who we can become and will help us get there. It can seem very stressful and daunting to think about this, at least it is to me. But with Christ’s help, we can get there. In the October 2019 women’s conference, Sister Aburto said “we place unnecessary burdens on ourselves by thinking we need to be perfect now. Such thoughts can be overwhelming. Achieving perfection is a process that will take place throughout our mortal life and beyond and only through the grace of Jesus Christ.”

By using Christ’s atonement, we can become better versions of ourselves. He knows how to help us grow into who Heavenly Father needs us to be; not only with the atonement but by his example of reaching his own potential. Christ is the ultimate example of being his best self. He is truly divine. So how do we be like him? There are the more common answers like “go to church”, “study the scriptures”, “serve others” etc. These answers are great, which is why we say them all the time, but I want to talk about something that we overlook sometimes. I think we get so caught up in the fact that Christ is the Son of God, which makes him divine and perfect, we sometimes forget that he was also the son of Mary, which makes him human and relatable. One of those relatable traits is that he has feelings and emotions.

Some people think that it is not okay to feel certain emotions, that we should be ashamed to feel certain emotions like anger or depression. They may feel they don’t deserve to be happy when there’s so many sad and terrible things in the world. Not allowing ourselves to feel our range of emotions holds us back from becoming who we need to be. Some people feel uncomfortable talking about their emotions because they feel they might be judged or what they are feeling is wrong. Sister Aburto also said “when we open up about our emotional challenges, admitting we are not perfect, we give others permission to share their struggles. Together we realize there’s hope and we do not have to suffer alone.” As humans, we feel around 27 different emotions. Everyone has felt them at one time or another, whether it was a brief moment or seemed like it might last the rest of their life. Christ has felt these emotions too. If the perfect being that is Christ can feel these, then it is okay for us to feel them as well. One of my favorite Mr Rogers quotes is

Now, I don’t have time to go over all 27 emotions, but I want to focus on a few and how we can stop hiding them and let them help us become better people.

The first one I want to focus on is joy and happiness. Romans 15:13 says “now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.” God Gives us joy and fills us with it. In D&C 18:16 it says “and if your joy shall be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me!” Christ is bringing everyone in the past, present, and future closer to Heavenly Father. He must be filled with so much joy. If Christ has felt happy, even after all the torment he went through, then it is okay for you to be happy too. So many times I have stopped myself from feeling happy because I felt like I didn’t deserve it, which is a terrible thing to do. The first time I remember doing it was about 13 years ago. My brother had just passed away and my friends had invited me to go swimming with them to try and cheer me up. I was running around the rec center laughing when I stopped in my tracks and mentally scolded myself for having fun when I should have been mourning instead. It became a kind of habit of mine that I still slip into sometimes. When we push that feeling of happiness away, it takes us further from the person God wants us to be because we are diminishing ourselves and our worth. “Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy”. Everyone deserves to feel the happiness and joy that God provides, so do not tell yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy because you do.

The next emotion is anger. Anger is an emotion people always tell us is bad to feel, that we should suppress our anger. But guess what? Christ felt anger. In John 2:14-16, Christ walked into the temple and found people selling animals. So what did he do? He made a whip, flipped some tables, and kicked the mercenaries out. He had every right to be angry at those people for the way they were treating the house of the Lord.

Not only did he lash out in anger sometimes, but he would also threaten people. In Matthew 18:16, Jesus threatens people by saying “but whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea”. He also called people hypocrites and vipers. If Christ, who is perfect, felt anger and said violent things, then why do we think it is not okay to? Now, I’m not saying to use your anger and let the hate flow through you, but I’m saying everyone feels angry, you just need to learn how to control it and process it. I’ve read this great self help book called “Super You” by Emily Gordon. She explains anger as 

“an emotion that we often throw on top of something more painful...just remember that anytime you are feeling angry, which can sometimes be absolutely the best and most appropriate way to feel, try to question yourself. See if there’s not another, harder-to-feel feeling under there that is sweetly shielded by your anger...Anger, and any of its underlying emotions, don’t go away when you take them out on people—they just briefly subside. It’s only in dealing with the stimulus at its source that we keep ourselves emotionally in balance.”

It’s not what or how we feel, but how we show it. We need to take the time to healthily process what we are feeling. Don’t push it down and let things pile on top of it because you’ll eventually burst. For a year or two when I was in college, I was mad at my older sister. She had just gotten home from a mission and I felt that she was judging who I was. I kept pushing my anger down because I felt like it wasn’t justified. I let small things pile up until they became too hard to control, and I popped a gasket over her folding my laundry. I thought she was doing it because she thought I was messy and wanted to be better than me when, in reality, she was just trying to serve me. When I started to acknowledge my anger and hurt, then I was able to think clearly, forgive her, and move on. We have a much better relationship now because I was able to work on processing my emotions better. If Christ can feel anger and hurt, then you can too just don’t hold onto it and let it start to define who you are. Process it and let it go.

Sadness and depression also have a bad connotation. Men are often told not to cry because it’s not manly. Women are told not to cry because it makes them look emotional and crazy. Both of these are wrong. Everyone has felt sadness, including Christ. In John 11:35 “Jesus wept”. His friend Lazarus had just died. Christ knew Lazarus was in Heaven and that he would see him again. He also knew he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, but he still took the time to mourn and cry with his friends. When my brother passed away, I cried a couple of times, but always tried to hide it. I believed I had to be strong for my family. I didn’t think they were weak, just that I had to hold it together so that they didn’t have to. Don’t ever believe that tears are a sign of weakness, to me they are a sign that you care. They are a sign of strength. It means you are processing through your emotions instead of hiding from them. There have been days where I was so depressed that I didn’t leave my bed, where I ostracized myself from people closest to me, where I cried myself to sleep for a week straight, where I felt like a zombie because I had no other emotions going on, I didn’t smile, laugh, or cry because I was just empty. By going through these times, I learned that no one understands your sadness, hurt, and depression like Christ does. Isaiah 53:3-4 describes Christ saying “He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief...surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows…” He understands what you are going through. Lean on him to help you through your pain and you will become far greater a person than if you had tried to suppress it and hide from it.

Next is loneliness. Matthew 27:46 reads “and about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabacthani? That is to say, my God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” God had to leave Christ so that he could know what it felt like to be utterly alone. Christ had to know how loneliness felt so that he would know how we feel. There are many times where I have felt so alone because I didn’t believe anyone else understood what I was going through. Times where I have wept buckets of tears because of how lonely I felt. During those times, I learned that we are never alone, though we may feel it at times. In Joshua 1:5 Christ says “I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.” Elder Holland said “because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to.” Christ is always there with us, we just need to let him into our hearts. 

Have you ever felt all the emotions at once and had a breakdown? My first one was during finals week at SUU. I was cleaning my room because I couldn’t find a book, got super stressed and pretty much just laid down on the floor and cried. Another time, I was at my Uncle’s house dog sitting. I was scared, alone in a neighborhood I didn’t know, in the middle of the night with a dog that didn’t like me. I got inside my head and freaked myself out and broke down. These are times when it’s really hard to keep going and all we want to do is quit. When Christ was in Gethsemane, he was feeling probably every emotion out there. So much so, that he asked for the cup to be removed from him. Maybe he asked for the cup to be removed because he felt inadequate; He didn’t know how much more he could take. I feel inadequate pretty much constantly, so it helps me to think that he might have felt that and that he overcame it. Maybe Christ asked the Lord to take it away because he was scared of what was to come.

In the television show “Lost” the main character Jack tells a story about a time when he was afraid but he knew he had to deal with it and says “I just made a choice. I would let the fear in, let it take over, let it do it’s thing. But only for five seconds. That’s all I was going to give it. So I counted to 5, then it was gone.” If Christ felt fear in that moment, he admitted it, let it in for a few seconds, but then let his courage and love for who he was doing it for overpower his fear and he finished the atonement. Of course I’m not completely sure what he was feeling in that moment, maybe you think he was feeling something else, all I do know is that he acknowledged that he was having those feelings by asking the lord for help and then controlled those feelings and said “nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt.” When you are in charge of your feelings, you are not in control of what you feel but you are in control of how you react to and process them. 

Don’t ever think that what you are feeling is wrong. To quote D&C 122:7, “These things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good”. When we process our emotions healthily we can learn and grow from them and use them to empathize with others. Remember, Christ, who is perfect, has felt all of these emotions, so it is perfectly fine that you feel them too. It’s okay to ask for help and understanding if you’re having trouble getting through certain emotions. Emotions are a part of being human. Another favorite quote of mine from Mr. Rogers says

Reach out to your friends and family. Reach out to a mentor or religious leader. Go see a therapist. Most importantly, reach out to Christ because he knows all the emotions you are feeling and will help you get through them. I have one poem about how acknowledging emotions sets us free called “The Truth Will Make Me Free” by Fred Rogers:

We all need to be more honest about how we are feeling. It’s one of the best ways to take control of our emotions so they aren’t controlling us. One of my pet peeves is when I ask someone how they are doing and they lie to me by just saying they are fine when they aren’t. I’m asking because I genuinely care. If we all are more honest about how we are feeling, we can help others, and let others help us. Doing this will increase our empathy and connection with others. Don’t let your emotions control you and hold you back from achieving your full potential. Don’t let them stunt your growth. Be honest about your emotions, process them fully, and lean on Christ so that you can grow into the person God wants you to become.

My Self-Confidence and Job Search

I've been home from Germany for about four months now, and, at some moments, it has been pretty hard. When I got home, everyone I knew kept asking me what I was going to do, if I'd found a job, etc. I know people didn't mean anything by asking, they were just curious about my plans, but I started to feel pressure from everyone about what I was going to do. My answer was that I still had money saved up, so I didn't have to find work right away. I didn't want to settle for a job I didn't want to do just to please people. I almost went back to my old job at TAMSolutions, but I knew I wouldn't be as happy there as I could be somewhere else, even though the people I worked with there are amazing. So I started my job search.

I'll admit, the first two months, I wasn't really putting my whole heart into the job search. Can you really blame me, though? Job searching is the worst! But I was also kind of glad I didn't have a job at the time. I had a few weddings I wanted to go to, which I wouldn't have to take time off for. My grandpa passed away shortly after I got back, so I wouldn't have to take time off for that. We found out my mom had breast cancer, so I was able to go to appointments with her (she's good now, by the way. It was stage zero and they were able to get it out). I have also been able to go visit my other grandpa and his wife every week because I didn't have work. I've also been able to help neighbors and friends with some stuff as well. When I wasn't doing any of this, I was learning to bake, which has been a lot of fun. Anyway, the point it, I didn't feel the need for a job because I had other stuff going on.

The third month is when I started to feel more and more pressure to get a job. Everyone I saw was asking me about it. My parents didn't ask me as much, but I could tell they were starting to get irritated that I wasn't doing anything because making delicious treats. I'm really grateful that they didn't keep asking me about it, but I could feel the unsaid pressure to get a job. It started to weigh down on me, a lot. I started to get depressed and my self-confidence was in the toilet. I felt like I was letting my whole family down. I was having a huge war inside my brain about whether I should just take any job, so my family would be happy for me or if I should hold out until I found a job that would make me happy. Out of the jobs I had applied for, mostly editing or content writing, I had one interview that my sister had set up for me at her work to be a receptionist. It wasn't what I wanted to do, but I almost took it because my sister was nice enough to set it up for me and because I knew my parents would be happy I was finally doing something besides baking bread. I was tearing myself up inside trying to decide what to do. I finally decided not to take the job because the whole point of me quitting my last job was to do something I really wanted to do, not to please other people.

After making that decision, I got even more depressed because no where else I had applied to was calling me back for an interview. I wasn't good enough for them, just like I wasn't good enough for my friends and family. I was taking my own insecurities out on other people. I was pretty much at constant war inside my head. I was telling myself I was a terrible person, I didn't deserve to have such good friends and family members. I was the worst sister because I snapped a few times. I was the worst daughter because I was avoiding telling my parents anything about my job search because I didn't want to give them hope that I would have a job soon and be out of their hair. I had so many emotions piling up. One day, at a church activity, my Bishop's wife asked me how I was doing, and I started to cry because I was beating myself up so much. We had  a nice talk, but I was still just as confused as before.

The next day, I went to an LDS Temple and did a few ordinances. I prayed for help to know what to do. Later that day, I got a text asking if I could meet with my Bishop that night. When I got there, he first asked if I knew why I was there. I said no, and he said neither did he, he just felt like God wanted him to talk to me. So I opened up just a little about the job search, and how I was struggling to know where to go/what to do. He suggested I study the talk "Abound with Blessings" by Elder Renlund for a few weeks. I learned that blessings come in God's timing, we just need to have faith and continue to do what is asked of us. We also need to ask for blessings, which is a hard one for me. I feel like I'm being selfish asking for blessings, but God wants to bless us, we just need to be humble and ask for those blessings. I'm really grateful that my Bishop listened to the prompting to meet with me that night.

After I met with the Bishop, I felt like I needed to meet with my therapist because my mental state was far from healthy at the moment. It took a lot of courage for me to set up an appointment. It had been a while since I had seen him because I had started to feel better and that I could handle my problems on my own. I finally humbled myself enough to go see him again, and I'm so glad I did. He's literally the best. He understood my frustration with my job search. He understood that it can really bring self-confidence down. He comforted me while also helping me question if finding my dream job right now was more important than finding a job for now, that might lead to the dream job, that might help me fix my relationships was more important. He helped me see that job searching was my full-time job right now and that I had to continually put myself out there. The more I put myself out there, the more connections I would be making. Then instead of nitpicking the jobs I would apply for, I might have a couple job offers, and I would be able to pick from those what I wanted to do. He helped me come up with a goal to apply for at least three jobs a day, so that's what I started to do.
I'll admit, there were one or two days where it took all of my mental energy just to apply for one job, but for the most part I was able to complete my goal. I knew I was trying harder and that I would be blessed for doing my part.

I did start to see more results. I had a phone interview for an editing job for Overstock.com, and I edited a preliminary PDF for an editing job at BYU. I didn't hear back from either of them, though, which was hard. Last week, I got two interviews set up with Lehi city to be a preschool/kindergarten aide. Then, one morning, I was reading in The Book of Mormon, Moroni 7:26 where it says "Whatsoever thing ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is good, in faith believing that ye shall receive, behold, it shall be done unto you". I got down on my knees and prayed to get a job where I was needed. I had prayed about getting a job before, but not as sincerely as this time. A few hours later, I got a call from an elementary school I had applied to. I was asked if I could meet with them the next day. We set up an interview time and hung up the phone. Ten minutes later, they called back and asked if I could just do a phone interview right then. They asked me a few questions then offered me the job on the spot. So, starting Monday, I will be a Teacher's Aide there. I'll be helping with their literacy program, French immersion classes, and other small things. I'm excited to see how it goes.

As for my self-confidence and depression, I'm not a 100% cured, but I am a lot better thanks to the people that have helped me out the last few weeks. I'm still learning that my self-worth is not determined by whether I'm good enough to work for a certain company or what someone thinks of me. It's based on what I think of myself and what God thinks of me. I've learned that my Heavenly Father thinks I'm amazing and that he is there every step trying to help me realize it too. He thinks I'm worth everything and more. Not only does he think this of me, but He thinks this of everyone in the world (yes, that means you). Yes, the last few months have been hard. There were so many times I was so confused. I felt like Heavenly Father wasn't answering my prayers and that I was alone. I know I wasn't alone. He was there and he was sending people to help me, but I had to open myself up to the help. I'm so grateful for my friends and family that have put up with me during my mood swings. I have also learned that we have to ask for the blessings we and trust in his timing. Things will always work out, sometimes we just have to wait a little bit and not lose faith or hope.

Lost in German Woods

This morning, I decided to get a ride with my cousin on his way to work to Baumholder. I wanted to get a manicure because I have a wedding I have to go to the weekend I get home. He asked if I was sure if I wanted to go because I would have to hang out there all day, and there’s not a whole lot to do there. I didn’t think I’d be walking around too much, so I ignored the thought to wear my tennis shoes and put on my boots instead (mistake number 1). To keep myself busy, I went to the grocery store, ate a Berliner, got my nails done, went to a few shops, ate an early lunch (cordon blue schnitzel is one of the most delicious things I’ve ever had), then decided to catch the bus back home. The bus didn’t show up.
I knew there was some sort of hike back, so I looked that up. My Google Maps informed me that the walk/hike to the castle near my house would take about two hours, which was no big deal. I’ve been walking about two hours a day for a while now. I decided to try it, so I turned on my newly borrowed audiobook, “The Magician’s Nephew” by C.S. Lewis, and started to follow the instructions on my app. Instead of informing my cousin I was going on this little adventure, I decided I’d wait to tell him when I got back home that I had left (mistake number 2).

The first forty minutes were more of a walk in a park. If you’ve ever been to Art Dye park and walked their path, it was similar to that. I saw that my phone battery was starting to die pretty fast because I had Google maps up. I looked ahead and saw that I mostly just had to follow the path I was on and look for the little “Nordic walk” signs I figured I could do that, so I turned my maps off (mistake number 3).
I followed the signs as best I could. I came to a clearing that had a lot of signs up, but they mostly just explained the types of trees, birds, and insects there were in that part of the wood. There were three paths I could take from there. I didn’t see the sign that I was supposed to follow, so I figured I’d better take the straight one instead of left or right.
I found different signs that looked promising, so I started to follow those. After about an hour, I realized I should have reached my destination about thirty minutes before. I pulled out my phone to see where I was, but I had no service. All I could see was that I was in the middle of the woods, and I didn’t need Google maps to tell me that.

I paused my book, said a quick prayer, and decided to keep going on the path I was on. I turned my book back on and kept walking. After about 10-15 minutes, I started to get a little nervous. I tried my maps one more time. It was still having trouble locating me, but from what I could get from it, I wasn’t near Thallichtenberg at all. I couldn’t believe that I was two days away from seeing my friends and family again, and I was lost in the woods, never to return.
I finally decided to just go back the way I had come. I turned around and tried to follow the path back. Luckily, I remembered certain spots along the path I had been walking so I didn’t get mixed up on any other paths. By the time I turned around, my book had finished, so I didn’t have a distraction anymore.

I didn’t get as anxious or nervous as I thought I would. I actually felt kind of peaceful and that everything would be alright. I kept a little prayer in my heart the whole time. But my thoughts did wander around a bit. I kept thinking how my old boss, Curtis, would be so upset with me for wandering in the woods alone. When we were working together, he went to go help find a lost boy scout in Idaho who had wandered from the group. I could only imagine the lecture I would get from him if he knew I was lost in the woods with no food or water.
I also remembered a story my friend told me about a similar situation he had been in on his mission. He had served his LDS mission in Germany. One night, he and his companion were walking through the woods to go to a town over to give someone a lesson. They got lost too. After a few hours, a lady found them and led them to where they needed to go. As I remembered this story, I thought “man, if only someone would show up here and guide me out. But what are the chances of that happening?” Moments later, I saw a dog running around and heard a whistle. I looked up and saw a woman.
 I couldn’t believe it. I walked up to her and asked her if she spoke English. Miracle of miracles, she did! I told her I was lost and trying to go to Burg Lichtenberg, or Thallichtenberg. She gave me a confused look, so I asked about the way back to Baumholder. She said I was going the long way back and that she would take me to a short cut.

I followed her for about five minutes until we came to a path that looked like cars would drive down occasionally. She said to follow this the whole time, to keep going straight. She told me multiple times to not turn left or right, just go straight. I would eventually pass her car, and I should keep going straight. I would eventually get to Baumholder. I thanked her multiple times, then started on my way back.
I couldn’t believe that I had run into someone, let alone someone who spoke English. The song “Angels Among Us” came into my head. I know the song is kind of cheesy, but ever since my brother passed away, this song has always had a special place in my heart. I knew that God had heard my prayer and despite my stupidity decided to answer it.

After about twenty minutes, I passed her car, so I knew I was getting close to the city. A few minutes after that, I heard the car coming up behind me. She pulled over and told me she’d give me a ride the last mile into the city. I couldn’t believe it. She was so nice. She took me into the city and dropped me off at the grocery store where I was able to rest, drink some water, and hang out until my cousin was off of work.
I realized how dumb I was. I shouldn’t have turned off my Google maps because I would have been home in two hours instead of lost for three. I also should have told my cousin, just in case I didn’t get back out so he could have some idea where I was and throw a search party to find me. I also should carry a snack and water around with me.
Today was a testimony builder in a couple ways for me. 1. Listen to the promptings, no matter how small (like wearing certain shoes, or texting someone where you’ll be) because they might help you in the long run. 2. The Lord answer prayers. Sometimes they are immediate, other times you have to wait a while for the answer, but it will come. We just have to trust that he is leading us where we need to go.

Just a Tad Homesick

For the last two weeks, I was traveling around in England. I had previously been on a study abroad there a few years ago and absolutely fell in love. This time around, I had the opportunity to stay with a cousin who was there on a work business trip. When I got there, I didn’t get the same feeling I had expected to get. I was still happy to be there, but I wasn’t bouncing off the walls like I had been before. I explored the city by myself for a few days while my cousin was at work, trying to reorient myself with the city. Then my cousin’s siblings flew out and all of us got to hang out for a few days. I’ve never gotten to hang out with them like this before. Usually, it had only been Thanksgiving and Christmas parties that we saw each other. It was good and fun to hang out with them. I’m really glad we were able to meet up. But it also made me miss my immediate family a lot. Everywhere we went, I would think someone in my family would love what we were doing, and I was sad they weren’t there to see it. I was kind of the tour guide since I had previously been there and knew where everything was. I’m glad I was able to help them get around the wonderful city, but I don’t like being in charge. I like being the supporter. So leading my cousins around really tired me out as well.

After a few days of exploring London, my cousins left me and flew home. I stayed in London to meet up with a friend. We got to see “The Phantom of the Opera” and “Mamma Mia”. Phantom was probably the highlight of being there. It was so amazing. Then we took a train to Oxford and hung out there for a few days. We got to see where some of “Harry Potter” was filmed, and visit the graves and homes of JRR Tolkien and CS Lewis. It was a great time. I’m really glad she came over and we got to hang out, but I still really missed my family, was homesick, and it was making me very tired. Two weeks (let alone the two months I’ve been gone) is a long time to not be sleeping in your own bed and to be constantly going somewhere or doing something. Don’t get me wrong. I loved spending time with my cousins and my friend, but I didn’t have time enough in between everything to “recharge”. When I finally got home, I slept a lot. Being an introvert, I recharge my batteries by being by myself. Being social takes a lot out of me. For the last five days, I’ve mostly stayed at home sleeping and watching Netflix because I have been so exhausted. I feel better today but still pretty tired. I’m also still a tad homesick.

I feel like my relationships have grown stronger, in a way, since I’ve been gone because I realize how much I miss and love my friends and family. I didn’t think I would get homesick at all. When I was on my study abroad I didn’t miss anyone (no offense). I was actually kind of mad to be home. My family was pretty offended when I got off the plane and wasn’t happy to see them. Then, when I was away at school, I never really got homesick either. I knew I could come home on weekends and see my family and friends any time I wanted. I figured three months away would be no big deal. Originally, I had planned on being gone a full year. I’m really glad Idecided to just do three moths instead. I’m having a great time, but after being away for two months, I am ready to go home. Luckily, I have a few small trips planned to keep my occupied the last month I’m here. My friends are coming to visit in a few days, which I’m really excited about. I’m trying to go to Salzburg for a few days with a new friend. I want to go visit another friend in Paris for a weekend. I’m going to Amsterdam for a week with some friends. Hopefully it will be good, and distract me from being homesick. I’m really grateful for the friends I’ve made out here. I’m thankful that my cousin is letting me live with him and have these experiences. I’m also really glad my friends and family keep messaging me and letting me know they miss me just as much as I miss them. I can’t wait to see you all again in a month. But until then, I’m going to keep trying to have the time of my life out here.

My Weekend Trip to Ireland

This last weekend, my cousin and I flew to Ireland for a four day weekend trip. We flew in Thursday night to Dublin, checked in to Ashfield Hostel and went right to bed because we had to catch a bus early in the morning. It was my first time in a shared room hostel. To be honest, it was a little weird, but it was fine in the end. It’s definitely cheap and easy.

After we got on the bus, we realized we were matching 🤣.

Cliffs of Moher/Doolin:

We took the CityLink bus from Dublin to Galway, which was about two hours. I couldn’t stop staring out the bus window because of how beautiful the country was. It was so green, I couldn’t believe it. We got dropped off at GMIT in Galway and had to wait an hour for the next bus, which we took with Bus Eireann, that would take us to The Cliffs of Moher. This bus ride was about two hours and it made me sick because it is in the country so the roads are bumpy and windy.

The Cliffs of Moher was absolutely spectacular. If you go to Ireland, you have to go there. Every step I took, I wanted to take a picture because the view was different than it was a second before. I could not believe how beautiful it was. I was in awe the entire time. I can’t describe the feeling it gave me to be standing on the cliffs looking at such a masterpiece of nature. God is an amazing artist. I wanted to capture everything. The sound of the waves crashing again the cliffs. The sound of the seagulls flying overhead. The smell of the fresh ocean air. It was all just a perfect moment.

We went during the off season for tourists, it being winter and all, so it was pretty windy and cold but worth it because there weren’t a lot of crowds. The bad side to this was that they didn’t have shuttle buses going very often. We got there about 3:15. After about 1.5 hours of walking on the cliffs, we went to look at the gift shops, which closed at 5:00. When the visitor center closed, we went to look at the bus schedule to see the bus we could get and the next bus wasn’t until 6:15. The bus, we would later find out, usually ran about 15 minutes late as well. So we had to wait about two hours in the cold wind as it was getting dark for our bus. If I was to do the cliffs again, I would either rent a car and drive, or I would go during the tourist season when there are more shuttles, or we found out that there is a path from the cliffs to Doolin, where our hostel was, that takes about 2 hours to walk, so we would have just done that instead of waiting for the bus. But of all the places to be stranding, The Cliffs of Moher was the best place.

We stayed that night at The Rainbow Hostel in Doolin. Doolin is a quaint little town about 15 minutes from the cliffs. They only have one hostel, but they have a lot of B&Bs. Since it wasn’t tourist season, a lot of the B&Bs didn’t seem to be open. There are two pubs pretty close to each other that switch off having music and serving food each night so each can get the crowds that come during the winter. We ate at McGann’s pub. Kevin got the lamb roast which was really good. I got the fish and chips, which was pretty good. Our hostel was very quaint. It is run by a middle aged couple who are very nice. I liked them immediately. The scones for breakfast were delicious. The only downside was that the water was a little cold. Also my phone wasn’t connecting to the WiFi. It was my favorite hostel of the trip, though.

We woke up and took our time because the bus wouldn’t come until 11:30 to pick us up. We asked the hostel owner where would be a good place to walk to and she suggested the little graveyard about ten minutes walk away. We walked over there and looked at the old headstones. I think the oldest one we found was from about 1840. It was pretty cool. Kevin decided he was hungry, so we went back to McGann’s for him to eat breakfast. It was so quaint because they had their fireplace going. Also their WiFi was the best. After breakfast we caught the bus back to Galway.

Galway:

After the two hour bus ride back to Galway, we went to the Celtic Tourist Hostel and checked in. Our host there was kind of weird, but very nice. It was our second favorite place to stay. Then we walked around, mostly taking in our surroundings. We had heard about Charlie Byrne’s bookshop, so we went there. It was definitely my favorite place in Galway that we went. All the books were really cheap and they were all so beautiful. I bought two of them. We walked around the shops a little more, walked to a church that they had, and mostly just took everything in. We went to the cathedral there, the organist was practicing. It was a really cool experience. It was very beautiful.

For dinner, we went to The Pie Maker where they serve savory and sweet pies. I had the chicken and mushroom, which was delicious. I just was a little sad that my gross cabbage seeped into my potatoes and pie a little bit. We were completely full, so we didn’t order dessert.
 We walked around some more and ended up at the college rugby game. We only stayed about 15 minutes because it was about to end, but it was a lot of fun. Being in Ireland and not being someone who drinks alcohol is a little hard. There’s nothing really to do at night when the shops close because you don’t want to hang out at pubs if you don’t drink. Luckily, we were able to find The Secret Garden cafe. It was my second favorite place in Galway. It had a very chill atmosphere. I ordered a hot chocolate and some sort of pastry. They both weren’t the best I’d had, but they were pretty good. I mostly liked the place for the vibe. You could sit there for hours and no one would bother you.
The next day, we got up early to catch the bus back to Dublin. We stopped at Cafe Express to grab a muffin before our bus ride and it was one of the best muffins I’ve ever had. I got the raspberry one. Not only did it have little raspberry chunks in the muffin top, but the muffin bottom has two full raspberries in it. I was in love.

Dublin:

We got to Dublin about 11:30 am on Sunday. A lot of the things we wanted to see didn’t open until later because it was Sunday, so we went to walk around and try to find where Bram Stoker had once lived. We found a cool mural someone had done of Dracula in his honor. At 12:30, we walked to Trinity Library where they had The Book of Kells exhibit and we could see The Long Room, which was the inspiration for the Hogwart’s Library. It was definitely the highlight of Dublin for me. It took us about 10-15 minutes to wait in line to get in then about 1.5 hours to look around. The Book of Kells was pretty cool. I didn’t actually know what it was until we got there, though. It is a really cool exhibit. I learned that it is a manuscript in Latin of the four gospels in the New Testament.

After that, we dropped out stuff off at Abigail’s Hostel then headed to St. Patrick’s Cathedral for Evensong. I like going to catholic church every once in a while. We heard a great sermon about being positive and trying to say “yes” to good things more often. It’s also free to go to Evensong whereas it is not free to go into the cathedral when church is not happening.
After church, we went to the Chester Beatty library. We could only stay for a half an hour because church went until 4:15 and the exhibit was only open until 5. I wish we could have stayed longer. There was a really cool collection of books from different countries and time periods. We practically ran through all three exhibits so we could see everything. After that, we decided we were finally hungry for dinner. The waiter at McGann’s had told us to avoid Temple Barstreet because it was super touristy and to go to Middle Ashely street, so we walked over there but there wasn’t a lot and most of it was closed. We went back to Temple Bar street and found The Vat. Our eyes were bigger than our stomachs because we ordered wa too much. Kevin wanted the deep fried Brie, which was pretty good but a lot. I wanted the deep fried mushrooms, I was a little disappointed. I’ve had better ones at UVU. I ordered the Irish Stew for my main dish and was not disappointed. It was delicious, but super hot. I definitely burned my mouth.
We were super full and decided to walk around a bit to make room for dessert. Temple Bar is definitely touristy, but it’s still pretty fun to walk around in. We wanted to try and find another quaint cafe to eat dessert in and we were in luck. We found a place called Accents. It wasn’t as quaint as The Secret Garden, but it was still pretty chill. This is where I had my life changing hot chocolate. When you order, you can pick the type of chocolate you and. I ordered milk chocolate with a shot of caramel. They brought me a cup of milk chocolate chips and a bowl of. Milk with my caramel making a sloppy on top. I then dumped all my chocolate chips into the cup of milk and melted them. It was so good. I love this because you can decide how much chocolate you want in your hot chocolate. Also because the chocolate literally melts right there. It’s not just a packet of Swiss Miss. The lemon and raspberry bar I got there was yummy too, and I usually don’t like lemon bars. It was a fun place to people watch. A lot of couples were there and we were deciding who was interested in who, who would make it as a couple, and who wouldn’t. I loved it.

We went to our hostel afterwards and thus began one of the worst nights. The hostel itself wasn’t bad, but there was one person in the same room as us that was the WORST. He was loud coming into the room late at night, then he very loudly snored all night ( I get that he can’t help it, but it was really bad). He then was the first one up, at 4:30 am, and was being VERY loud. He also kept turning lights on and not turning them off. For about three hours he was doing this. Everyone in the room was fed up with him.
After we checked out, we walked around a park that I don’t know the name of. It was under construction but still very pretty. Then we went to Marsh’s Library which holds some of the rarest and oldest books in the world. It’s also where Bram Stoker used to hang out. It was really cool. Then we walked around for forever trying to find a place to eat our last meal in Dublin. We finally decided on the  Kingfisher Restaurant. I got a traditional Irish breakfast and added a fruity scone. It was absolutely delicious. I’m so glad I picked it. It was also one of the cheapest restaurants we ate at (my meal there was about 11 Euros). Then we walked back to Temple Bar street where there’s a place called The Bubble Waffle Facory. They looked and smelled much better than they tasted, but it was still a fun treat to try. We then hopped on a bus back to the airport for our flight home.

If I had to do this trip over, I would maybe rent a car for Doolin/Cliffs of Moher. We got around great in Galway and Dublin just on our feet, though. I would not want to drive in Dublin. I would also try one of the donuts I saw everywhere in Dublin. They looked amazing. I would also maybe splurge for a hotel/B&B in Dublin because both the hostels there were our least favorite on the trip. Also, I would definitely stay longer and travel to more places, but we only had four days and I’m more than happy with what we did. I really had an amazing time.

Overall, I loved Ireland. It was so beautiful, and I felt pretty safe the whole time. I definitely want to go back. I bonded with my cousin a little bit more, which was good. He taught me how to read people’s body language better and helped me understand myself a little bit more. I’m a terrible decision maker. I usually look out for other people’s feelings and wants/needs over my own. Kevin made me plan the whole day in Dublin. Every time I asked him what he wanted to do, he wouldn’t say anything. He would just make me keep picking things. I learned that it’s okay to not have to sacrifice things I want to do for someone else. Obviously, we need to keep others in mind and compromise on things, but sometimes it’s okay to say you want to do something and then do it. You don’t have to be self sacrificing all the time. I also learned that confidence is key. I’ve always heard it, but this weekend I learned it.I also realized how much I love libraries. I feel bad dragging my cousin to all of them, but I absolutely loved every second of it. That’s what he gets for making the book geek plan everything.

I’m really grateful for the time I had in Ireland, and I can’t wait to go back and see what it has in store for me next time.

Self-Confidence and Loving Myself

I’ve been in Germany for almost a month now, and it’s been going great. I know my last post was a little pessimistic about being here because I was afraid of a lot of things, but I feel a lot better about being here now. I think just writing down and acknowledging my fears really helped me move on from them. I wasn’t keeping them inside any more. I still get nervous about a few things, but I’m not freaked out any more. Now that I’m passed my irrational and paralyzing fears, I’ve realized how good I feel.

My cousin, Melanie, shared an article with me the other day about how Rice University, Columbia University, and The University of North Carolina were studying how living abroad helps with “self-concept clarity”. Basically, people who live abroad have a better sense of self/their values/beliefs, are less stressed, more satisfied with life, and have enhanced clarity about careers. You can read the article Here. After she shared this article with me, I could see some of these happening in my life as I’ve been away.

I have spent a lot of time by myself this last month. I wouldn’t say I’ve gotten to know myself more, but I have come to love and accept myself more. If you didn’t already know, I’m a very nice, introverted, and awkward person. I used to be insecure about these traits, among others, and some times I still am, but I’m more confident in that it’s who I am and I like myself that way. I don’t have to change if I don’t want to.

I do feel less stressed while I’m out here, but mostly because I don’t have a lot to stress about. I’m taking things at my own pace, and I feel really good about how things have been going out here. I am more satisfied with my life. I am not as depressed out here as I was back in the states. It’s amazing to me how calm and not depressed I’ve been. I just feel good. I don’t feel any pressure or weight on my shoulders (besides the usual tightness from my hard bed 😉).

I’m still working on the “enhanced clarity about careers” part. I do know I want to be a mom, but that won’t happen for a lot of time (my cousin informed me this week that I’m blind and can’t tell when a guy is interested in me 🙄 LOL). I still don’t know a whole lot of what I want to do career wise, but that is okay. I just need to figure out a couple more things, which is totally fine. I’ve got plenty of time. I’m only 24. I don’t have to decide on any one thing yet. If I ever do get stuck, I’ll just take a helpful Buzzfeed quiz ha ha.

Overall, my trip hasn’t been what I expected, but that is not a bad thing at all. I love how it is turning out. I was joking when I told my uncle I was going to “find myself” while I was over here, and he was right in his reply that no matter where you go, you’re always there. I’m glad that I’m liking and accepting myself more because I’m my constant companion. Have you ever travelled with someone you hated? It sucks. You are the one person you are constantly with, so you might as well love yourself.