What I’ve Learned About Myself

When I was planning my trip to Germany, my wise uncle Shane asked me why I was going. I said it was a good experience that I probably wouldn’t get again. I also half jokingly said I was going to “find myself”. He then said to me, “Well, I’ve learned that no matter where you go, you are always there.” And it’s very true. You are always everywhere you go, but sometimes you don’t realize things about yourself until you’ve been put in certain situations, I guess. I’ve only been in Germany for 16/97 days, but I’ve already learned a few things about myself.

I’ve learned that as introverted as I am, it’s still nice to have human interaction. I’m pretty much alone all day every day until my cousin gets home from work. Even though we still don’t talk a whole lot, it is nice to just have someone else around. I have also been blessed to make a few new friends that are amazing. I’m really glad to know a few more people here in Germany. Human interaction is something everyone needs in one form or another. Whether we are having a night on the town, sitting in the living room, talking about anything and everything, or have been silent for hours, it’s just good to be with friends.

I have learned that I have a hard time controlling my imagination and always end up scaring myself. My cousin’s house is pretty old and makes a lot of noises. Whenever I hear these noises, I automatically think someone is coming to kill me. When I go on a walk, I think every sound I hear is someone coming to kill me. Why not just put my headphones in and play music so I don’t hear the noises? Because I would rather hear the noise and prepare for whatever will happen rather than not hear it and be surprised by it. I would blame it on movies and tv, but I don’t watch scary things precisely for this reason.

This habit of scaring myself with my imagination has helped me learn that I am afraid of A LOT of things, most of them irrational. To list a few that have come up these last two weeks: I’m afraid that coming out here was a mistake. I’m afraid I’m going to die alone out here. I’m afraid of writing a book but also afraid of not writing a book. I’m afraid I won’t be missed by people back at home. I’m afraid to tell someone I like them. I’m afraid of losing people. I’m afraid of losing myself. I’m afraid of finding myself and not being very great. I’m afraid I won’t visit all the places I want to out here because I’m too afraid to go out by myself because I’m afraid I’ll be kidnapped/raped/attacked. I’m afraid that I will change out here but also afraid I won’t. I’m afraid I’ll gain weight and won’t fit into the bridesmaid dress I have to wear at my cousin’s wedding the day I get back. That’s a lot of fears going on in my little mind. I’ve just realized this is probably a form of anxiety that has decided to show up in my life.

To go along with learning that I’m afraid of things, I’ve learned that I’m tired of being afraid. I want to overcome my fears, but I am trying to be realistic about it and realize they aren’t going to go away over night.  Just like Bill Murray’s character, Bob Wiley, in the hilarious movie What About Bob, I am taking “baby steps” to overcome my fears.

•  Every time I get anxiety about going out, I remember how much some of my friends love this country. They served missions here, so they may be a little biased, but I love the way their eyes lit up when they showed me pictures and told me stories about when they lived here. That helps calm me down a little.  
• Instead of throwing myself into the deep end, I’m slowly wading out. I’m going out with friends every weekend to familiarize myself with the country a little more so I can eventually go out of city limits by myself without feeling like I’m going to die.
•  I’ve realized that putting my thoughts into words by writing them makes me feel better. So, I’m trying to write a little everyday. I don’t have to write a whole novel while I’m here. Just write everyday, whether that’s on my blog, in my journal, a chapter in a book, it doesn’t matter. Just as long as I’m writing. 
•  I’m trying to reach out to people more. I’m trying to open up more. I’m trying to be more accepting of myself and others. This one is hard because I’m not very good at talking to others about myself, emotional things, or anything really unless the other person brings it up.
• I’m trying to do a little bit of exercise every day so that I am stronger and can run a block without getting winded in case I do get attacked, so I don’t gain ten pounds from all the delicious pastries, and because it makes me feel better during the day.

This is going to sound really cheesy, so bear with me. Sometimes I feel like Bilbo Baggins. An introverted hobbit that likes to eat food about to go on an adventure. Like me, he was hesitant and scared to go but realized these sort of chances don’t come every day. So he went. He made friends. He conquered his fears. If Bilbo can do it, then I can too. 

The Cost of Following Your Dreams

Growing up, most of our lives are are told to “follow our dreams”. We’ve grown up watching Disney movie where characters chase and achieve their dreams, living happily ever after. People think they will finally be happy when they achieve their dream. All they do is focus on getting there that sometimes they get lost and lose sight of what is really important, maybe they end up cutting ties with important people in their life as well, or just miss out on other opportunities that would make them happy too. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately as I’ve been trying to figure out what my dreams are and how to achieve them. Three examples of this have been on my mind as I've thought about dreams and the price we might pay to follow them: The Broadway musical “Wicked” (2003), the musical movie “La La Land” (2016), and the new movie "Bohemian Rhapsody" (2018). These examples have made me contemplate whether following our dreams is really worth it or not.

If you don’t know the story of “Wicked” it is a story about the two witches from “The Wizard of Oz”: Elphaba the Wicked Witch, played by Idina Menzel, and Glinda the Good Witch, played by Kristin Chenoweth. They were roommates at school who originally hated each other but then became friends. There’s a song in the musical called “Thank Goodness” where the lyrics talk about how it feels to achieve your dream. When this particular song comes on, Glinda has just accepted the job of the Good With because Elphaba turned it down, which caused them to part ways. It’s an extremely underrated song. There’s a part in the song where Glinda sings:

 “I couldn’t be happier/Though it is, I admit/The tiniest bit/Unlike I anticipated/But I couldn’t be happier/Simply coudn’t be happier/Well-not simply:/Cause getting your dreams/It’s strange, but it seems/A little-well-complicated/There’s a kind of a sort of cost/There’s a couple of things get lost/There are bridges you cross/You didn’t know you crossed/Until you’ve crossed/And if that joy, that thrill/Doesn’t thrill you like you think it will/Still-/With this perfect finale/The cheers and the ballyhoo/Who?/Wouldn’t be happier?/So I couldn’t be happier/Because happy is what happens/When
all your dreams come true/Well, isn’t it?/Happy is what happens/When all your dreams come true!”

Glinda is trying to convince herself that becoming the Good Witch was worth losing her best friend over. Ultimately she got what she wanted, but it still didn’t make her as happy as she thought it would have. She pretty much has to force herself to smile and be happy so that no one will think she isn’t.

A similar thing happens in the movie “La La Land”. Mia, played by Emma Stone, is trying to follow her dream of becoming an actress in Hollywood. Sebastian, played by Ryan Gosling, is trying to
follow his dream of opening a jazz club. The eventually meet, fall in love, then decide to follow their dreams instead of stay together. At the end of the movie, they both achieved their dreams, but what did it cost them? There’s a scene of what their life could have been if they had chosen to stick
together.

They way this scene was filmed implies that their life would have been happier and more passionate than it is without each other except Sebastian would not have the Jazz club he always dreamed of. In the end, they both got what they wanted and seem content, but we are left wondering if they could have been happier if they had stuck together.

Another  good example is “Bohemian Rhapsody”. The band Queen was able to reach their dream of becoming famous. But once the dream was achieved, Freddie Mercury, played by Rami Malek, got lost  on his way to following his dreams and started to cut the wrong people out of his life. He eventually found his way back, but a lot of his life was full of loneliness because he didn’t have the right people to share his dream with. Luckily, he realized his mistake and was able to mend the relationships he had cut off from before it was too late.

So what have we learned from these three examples? Glinda taught me that sometimes our dreams aren't really what will make us happy. Mia and Sebastian taught me that we have multiples paths that lead to different types of happiness, we just have to decide which one we want. Freddie Mercury taught me that we need to find true friendship and love to be truly happy, even once we've achieved our dreams. I realize this post sounds really pessimistic about following your dreams. I don't mean to it be. I really think following our dreams can make us happy, and we should follow what makes us happy. I just think we need to be more careful in following our dreams. We need to evaluate what really will make us happy. We always think we will be happier once we achieve our dream, but why can’t we be happy on the way to achieving the dream? Why do we think it’s not okay to change our dreams if we realize we won't be as happy as we think? Do what makes you happy, but, most importantly, do it with those who help make you happy.

Please leave a comment on any insights or thoughts you have about following our dreams! I would love to hear any comments you have to share.