What I’ve Learned About Myself

When I was planning my trip to Germany, my wise uncle Shane asked me why I was going. I said it was a good experience that I probably wouldn’t get again. I also half jokingly said I was going to “find myself”. He then said to me, “Well, I’ve learned that no matter where you go, you are always there.” And it’s very true. You are always everywhere you go, but sometimes you don’t realize things about yourself until you’ve been put in certain situations, I guess. I’ve only been in Germany for 16/97 days, but I’ve already learned a few things about myself.

I’ve learned that as introverted as I am, it’s still nice to have human interaction. I’m pretty much alone all day every day until my cousin gets home from work. Even though we still don’t talk a whole lot, it is nice to just have someone else around. I have also been blessed to make a few new friends that are amazing. I’m really glad to know a few more people here in Germany. Human interaction is something everyone needs in one form or another. Whether we are having a night on the town, sitting in the living room, talking about anything and everything, or have been silent for hours, it’s just good to be with friends.

I have learned that I have a hard time controlling my imagination and always end up scaring myself. My cousin’s house is pretty old and makes a lot of noises. Whenever I hear these noises, I automatically think someone is coming to kill me. When I go on a walk, I think every sound I hear is someone coming to kill me. Why not just put my headphones in and play music so I don’t hear the noises? Because I would rather hear the noise and prepare for whatever will happen rather than not hear it and be surprised by it. I would blame it on movies and tv, but I don’t watch scary things precisely for this reason.

This habit of scaring myself with my imagination has helped me learn that I am afraid of A LOT of things, most of them irrational. To list a few that have come up these last two weeks: I’m afraid that coming out here was a mistake. I’m afraid I’m going to die alone out here. I’m afraid of writing a book but also afraid of not writing a book. I’m afraid I won’t be missed by people back at home. I’m afraid to tell someone I like them. I’m afraid of losing people. I’m afraid of losing myself. I’m afraid of finding myself and not being very great. I’m afraid I won’t visit all the places I want to out here because I’m too afraid to go out by myself because I’m afraid I’ll be kidnapped/raped/attacked. I’m afraid that I will change out here but also afraid I won’t. I’m afraid I’ll gain weight and won’t fit into the bridesmaid dress I have to wear at my cousin’s wedding the day I get back. That’s a lot of fears going on in my little mind. I’ve just realized this is probably a form of anxiety that has decided to show up in my life.

To go along with learning that I’m afraid of things, I’ve learned that I’m tired of being afraid. I want to overcome my fears, but I am trying to be realistic about it and realize they aren’t going to go away over night.  Just like Bill Murray’s character, Bob Wiley, in the hilarious movie What About Bob, I am taking “baby steps” to overcome my fears.

•  Every time I get anxiety about going out, I remember how much some of my friends love this country. They served missions here, so they may be a little biased, but I love the way their eyes lit up when they showed me pictures and told me stories about when they lived here. That helps calm me down a little.  
• Instead of throwing myself into the deep end, I’m slowly wading out. I’m going out with friends every weekend to familiarize myself with the country a little more so I can eventually go out of city limits by myself without feeling like I’m going to die.
•  I’ve realized that putting my thoughts into words by writing them makes me feel better. So, I’m trying to write a little everyday. I don’t have to write a whole novel while I’m here. Just write everyday, whether that’s on my blog, in my journal, a chapter in a book, it doesn’t matter. Just as long as I’m writing. 
•  I’m trying to reach out to people more. I’m trying to open up more. I’m trying to be more accepting of myself and others. This one is hard because I’m not very good at talking to others about myself, emotional things, or anything really unless the other person brings it up.
• I’m trying to do a little bit of exercise every day so that I am stronger and can run a block without getting winded in case I do get attacked, so I don’t gain ten pounds from all the delicious pastries, and because it makes me feel better during the day.

This is going to sound really cheesy, so bear with me. Sometimes I feel like Bilbo Baggins. An introverted hobbit that likes to eat food about to go on an adventure. Like me, he was hesitant and scared to go but realized these sort of chances don’t come every day. So he went. He made friends. He conquered his fears. If Bilbo can do it, then I can too.