Depression and Lots of Rain Similes #seizetheawkward

There is something about rain that makes my heart feel at ease. I love the way rain sounds as it pitter-patters on the roof. I love when the thunder is far enough away that it sounds like a stomach growling from hunger. I love that you can smell rain before it has even begun to fall. I love how the cloudy days remind of walking down the road in London. I love the connection I feel with the world around me when it rains.

I'm writing this as it is raining outside, my window wide open. I've closed my eyes a few times now, just to listen to the different sounds it makes as it falls against the window, fence, roof, grass, and pavement. I could go stand outside and let it wash over me, but I just settle for breathing in deep and letting it cleanse my soul instead. I know it's crazy, but I feel like it actually does clean my soul, in a way.

I guess it is not as much as a cleansing as a connection. This last weekend I was pretty depressed, and I feel like the weather is finally matching my mood, which actually helps me feel less depressed. Actually, I think there is research behind the theory that depressed and anxious people feel better when it rains. Scientific or not, the rain helps me know everything will be alright. That everything storms for a bit, but it will pass soon enough. It also shows me that if mother nature can grow dark and let a few drops out, then it is okay if I do too.

It's amazing to me that there are different types of rain. There is the kind of rain in hurricanes and tropical storms that causes damages through flooding. This weekend I feel like my depression was closer to the hurricane side, never realizing the damage I was doing until it passed. Some times I wonder why I have this and remember that all the trials we are given are meant to help us grow. Hurricanes and floods aren't the only things rain can do. Rain can be helpful. It can put fires out, water plants, and add to water supplies. So how can my depression be something helpful? I feel like my depression has helped me feel deeper and stronger, in some ways, which has helped me empathize with others a lot more. It has helped me grow closer to God and Christ because I know someone is there helping me when I feel helpless. It has helped me recognize that feelings are valid and should never be overlooked.

Also depression is like thunder. Sometimes you can hear thunder coming, from far away. It starts out as a low rumble, getting louder the closer it gets. Then sometimes you're just sitting there and with no warning at all there's a loud clap of thunder that leaves your body trembling. Sometimes I can feel my depression slowly creeping in, which I'm grateful for because then I can better prepare myself for when it comes. But sometimes It doesn't happen that way. I can be driving around on a Friday night with my friends, having a great time when it will just overwhelm me. Sometimes I'll just wake up and it will be there full force. Just like the weather, I can't really control when it happens, I just have to handle it the best way I can when it shows up. And there are different ways to handle it. Some days it takes all of my energy just to take a shower and turn Netflix on, whereas on other days I am able to not only shower but go to work, exercise, and hang out. I just have to take it one day at a time, assess the situation when it happens, know that it will pass eventually (even if it may not seem like it at the time) and remember that I have people who love me.

Sorry for all the rain similes, but it makes depression easier to talk about for some reason. This week is mental illness awareness week, so I felt like I had to #seizetheawkward and talk about it a little. I know I need to talk about it more, but I do feel a little awkward bringing it up, which no one should ever feel awkward about talking about it. 1 in 4 people suffer from a mental illness, so they are pretty common and we need to make talking about it common too. Please know that you are loved. I am here for you and if you ever need to talk, please do not hesitate to call or text me! To know more about the Seize the Awkward movement, I have inserted a link for your convenience:
https://www.nami.org/Get-Involved/Awareness-Events/Mental-Illness-Awareness-Week

There are an unlimited amount of these coupons, and they never expire! In the words of Kim Possible theme song: "Whenever you need me baby, call me, beep me, if ya wanna reach me".

This Week's Obsession: Josh Groban

This week my mind has been occupied with pretty much one person. Does it mean you're in love if you can't wait until the next time you see them or hear their voice? Then I must be in love because this week I just can't seem to get Josh Groban off my mind. Let's be honest, this isn't just a "this week" obsession, it's more of a "my life" obsession.

Josh (yes, we are on a first name basis) has recently had two major things happen in his life recently. Last Friday, September 21st, his new album, "Bridges", was released, as well as the Netflix original series, "The Good Cop", in which he is the main character.

First we'll talk about "Bridges".

I love it! I think this is my second favorite album, my first favorite being "Closer". I feel like Josh really lets himself get more personal on these songs. They are more personal to his life and what he is feeling. In an interview with "Time" Josh even says writing "Bridges" was "like exorcising a demon". Don't get me wrong, I absolutely swoon over the love songs he sings, but I love how real some of his new songs are. 

"The Good Cop" is exactly how it sounds.

 It's a cop show about a good cop. And it's just good. I definitely will watch all of it, but it is not on my list of my top ten favorite tv shows. I feel like Tony Danza is trying to hard to be funny in the show. I just don't get a lot of chemistry between the characters. They're obviously trying to get a possible romance between Josh's character, Tony Jr, and his partner, Cora, in the show, but I'm not feeling it. I also am not feeling the father son chemistry between Tony, Tony Danza's character, and Tony Jr, Josh Groban's character. They just don't fit together in my brain. I have only watched three episodes though, so maybe it gets better. My favorite character Josh ever plays is Andy's brother from "The Office", and even then his acting isn't as good as his singing.

My all time favorite album is "Closer".

 Mostly because those songs are the most romantic. I pretty much die every time I hear "My Confession", "Remember When it Rained", "When You Say You Love Me", and "Broken Vow". Also did I mention he can sing in like five different languages? Also he can play the piano. Also he has the voice of a heavenly angel. We are so blessed to have his voice guide us in this dark world.

So, is this love? Who knows. Whether it is or not, I know I'm glad that he decided to share his talent with the world. God bless you Josh Groban and all you do for us.

P.S. If anyone has a spare ticket to his concert in October, let me know ;).

P.P.S. Yes, I am fully aware that my obsession is unhealthy, but look at it this way, at least I'm not doing drugs!

It's Been Too Long

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I posted on here. I really am going to try to be better about writing. I've missed it. I think sometimes I keep things in too much and writing helps me let things out. Let's see. What has happened to me in a year?

I got a job last November selling electronics on eBay for an electronic recycler/reseller company. I love the people I work with. They are amazing. There probably about 40 at most people in the company, five of which are women. My department is just me and two other ladies, Kim and Andy. They are amazing. I'm so grateful to have them in my life.

I've been to so many weddings in the last year, I'm going to go broke from buying gifts! I'm so happy for all of my friends who have found the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with. I'm especially happy for my friend Taylor and my sister Sydnie. I was actually with Taylor when she met her new husband. I credit their relationship somewhat to me because I helped convince her to go give him her number when we were about to leave. I'm also very happy to have a new brother in the family. We love Syd's husband and are so glad she has found someone who completes her.

My friends and I bought gym passes to try and get healthier. I'm not going as much as I was earlier this year, but I have lost 10-15 (depending on the day ;) ) pounds this year. I actually need to go buy new jeans soon, they're starting to sag. I have gained a bigger appreciation for exercise and eating healthier. Also I ran my fastest mile yet the other day in 8:54!!!

I started a mini book club with my friend, Jacob. We try to talk every week about the books we read over the app, Marco Polo. It's been really good for the both of us. We each have a goal on Goodreads to read a certain amount of books by the end of the year, and this helps keep us accountable to that. It also helps us keep in touch with each other as we live in different states.

Most importantly, I think I've been happier this year. I definitely do still get depressed, but it seems a bit more manageable. I think I have a lot of that relief to thank Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for. I've really tried to put more of an effort into my relationship with them. I am very grateful to them and the blessings they give me each day. Some days are harder than others, but there's always some sort of blessing in each day that I can find and be thankful for.

Well, that's pretty much how my year has gone. I'm going to be better at blogging from now on. It helps me clear my head and let me get words out, which is sometimes hard for me.

Until next week!
Jaclyn

Be the Good in the World

Over the last few months a lot of crappy things have been happening all across the globe. There have been shootings, natural disasters, bombings, and many more awful things. It just makes me so sad that there is so much suffering in the world to people who do not deserve it. So I don't know about you, but I badly need to remember that there is love and hope in the world. I've gathered together some of my favorite quotes and pictures that help me see that although we live in such an awful time, there is always hope.

1. Anne Frank is a huge inspiration to me. She went through so much in her lifetime that I can't even imagine being in her shoes. In her diary she has multiple quotes that help me see that even though terrible things happen we need to keep a positive attitude.

2. Samwise Gamgee is one of the best literary characters ever. His speech during The Two Towers always helps me have hope that there is good in the world, even when everything sucks, we just need to look for it. 

3. J.K. Rowling is an amazing author. She taught the world so much just through the Harry Potter series. She taught us that there is always good and bad, we just have to find the good and sometimes we have to be the light in the world.

4. The newest version of Cinderella brought us this beautiful quote about how we need to be kind to help there be more kindness and goodness in the world.

5. Here are a few articles that show there is good in people.

Army of volunteers line the streets to help Hurricane Harvey victims

http://www.lifebuzz.com/acts-of-kindness/

https://www.buzzfeed.com/cassiesmyth/pictures-that-prove-theres-more-good-in-the-world-than-bad?utm_term=.jrJEyr2d1X#.ur9WLKp4zP

There's so much crap going on in the world, some of it we can't control, but there are so many things that can help us see the good in the world. Even something as small as smiling at a person on the street can help. Try to be the good in your life and in someone else's, it makes the world a better place to live in. 

Sometimes Life Throws You a Curveball

If you need to know one thing about me, it's that I absolutely hate confrontation. I will do almost everything to not have to confront someone about something. So here's me kind of confronting a problem, but still avoiding telling people face to face because I'm a huge chicken.

These last few months have been a bit of a struggle bus for me. If I'm being honest, it kind of started a year ago. A few semesters ago, I was in my English education capstone class. We did a personality test, and I learned I was a phlegmatic (easy going, quiet, etc.). My teacher explained that out of all the teacher personalities, phlegmatics get burned out the fastest. As I got to know my personality better, I started to wonder if I really did want to be a teacher, or if I'd just wanted to be one for so long that I just went with it. This last semester I did my student teaching. There was definitely at least one or two days where I really liked it, but most of the days I didn't. I told people I was loving it because that's what they expected. I think I was also hoping if I said it enough then I would believe it. When I finished student teaching, everyone kept pressuring me to get job interviews. Every interview I went to I felt uncomfortable and knew I didn't want to be there. I almost started crying before one because I felt so sick being there. I stopped going to interviews and just avoided questions about getting a job as best I could, still not telling anyone how I felt. I wasn't sure if I was just afraid of taking the next step into adulthood, or if I really shouldn't be teaching. I started to pray about it a few weeks ago and I was struggling to get an answer. People kept trying to help me find a job, and I would just shut down and try to change the subject. I was grateful for their help, but I also hated that I felt like I couldn't tell them what I was feeling. I was afraid of disappointing the people around me. I've talked about being a teacher since I was in elementary school, and everyone has kind of expected it since then. I also didn't want to tell them because then they might be mad that I wasted my time and money, not to mention my family's time and money, in going to school for five years to end up in something I didn't want to be in. I already feel like I've disappointed people in so many other aspects of my life, I didn't want to do it again. Finally, a few days ago I remembered a lesson I had in institute once about receiving revelation. My teacher said that sometimes we have to make our own decision, then ask Heavenly Father if it is the right decision. I was in my car driving home from Provo, feeling very confused about where my life needed to go. I decided then to not be a teacher, for now, and asked God if that was okay. Almost immediately after I made the decision, I felt more peaceful than I had in a long time. I felt like a giant load had been taken off of my shoulders.


So here I am, living at my parents, working a part time job that is only $9/hr, the family disappointment, but I feel alright with that for now. I want those who have supported me and tried to help me find a teaching job that I am grateful for them, but I'm where I need to be at the moment. I just need to find out what interests me enough to go into. All I know is I like books, movies, and helping people. I'm considering a masters degree in Library Sciences so I can be around books, a masters in film studies so I can be around movies, or possibly a masters in counseling/therapy because I want to help people, and I'm good at listening to their problems. I think it would also be really cool to try to work/live in England somehow, but I have no idea where to even begin with that. Also my dad once told me he had a dream I worked in the forest service, so who knows what the future will bring? If you have any suggestions I'm completely open to them. All I have left to say is

because I'm going to be here a while.

Jaclyn out.

In Memorium of Cedar City

For the past 4.5 years of my life, I've lived in the oh so lovely Cedar City. Sadly, I will be leaving to move up north and do my student teaching. So in memory of my time here, I'm going to reminisce each year I've been here and what I've learned.

Freshman year (Fall 2012- Spring 2013):

I lived with these beautiful ladies, Cami, Kori, Britney, Ashlee, and Jessica (I couldn't find a picture with her in it) in Stadium Way apt. 9. We had a lot of good times. Like truth or dare, cheesy chick flicks, llama pinatas, and water fights. That is the year I also bowled a turkey in my bowling class. That was the year the mission age changed as well. I had a hard time deciding to serve a mission or not. When I got the answer not to I felt guilty about not going and I talked to my institute teacher, Sister Cox, about it and she helped me see that it's okay if I didn't go on a mission. I'll be forever grateful for her support in my decision. I was also a part of SUUSA doing "special projects". Mostly I helped get decorations for dances and stuff. It wasn't my favorite thing, but it gave me something to do. Cami taught me you can never watch too much tv/movies. Kori taught me it's okay to speak your mind. Britney and Ashlee taught me to be kind all the time.

Sophomore year (Fall 2013- Spring 2014):
The first half of the year I lived back at Stadium Way with these beautiful girls.

We had fun having LOTR marathons, watching Hallmark movies and just having a good time. One time I got a balloon stuck on my nose, which was exciting. Another time Cami locked me in the pantry and Brittany wouldn't come to my rescue. Rude. Cami taught me to always have fun. Brittany taught me it's okay not to wear pants in your own house.

Halfway through that year I got accepted into Scholarship Housing and moved in with these amazing women. 

We had a rough start, having to move out of our apartment because of a roommate problem, but the three of us grew closer together because of it. They are both so sweet and were so nice to me. That was the year I started to figure out I had depression, so it was a little rough for me. They stuck with me through my moody days though and helped me feel loved and appreciated. Mostly we watched "Charmed" and said puns. It was fantastic.  Also on St. Patrick's Day we drew pictures of leprechauns and put them up in our window. Also Sam's fiance, Derek, would hit people with the bible and say "repent!" it was hilarious. This year was my first year as a Presidential Ambassador as well. I had wanted to be a PA because my sister was one and the people seemed cool. It was fun giving tours and convincing high school students why SUU was the place for them. Shannon taught me that confidence is a great thing. Sam taught me that I am noticed and loved.

Junior Year (Fall 2014- Spring 2015):
I lived with a girl named Amy the first part of the year, then she graduated and Kim moved in. I have no idea why I don't have pictures with either one of these wonderful girls, but I searched and can't find any. But here's a picture of me with my Valentine's date for that year.

 

Amy was very theatrical. She sang in the shower and didn't care what anyone thought of her. Kim was a very recent RM, so we were basically companions that semester. We had a lot of boy drama that semester. Mostly it was her being chased by multiple boys while I watched. But I did have a huge crush on a boy. Too bad the minute he started showing interest I backed off and ignored him. I feel so bad for leading him on, but he's married now so he's fine. That semester my depression was at it's worst and Kim was a trooper for sticking with me. I was not a very nice person at that point but she was great to me. Thanks for being there for me Kim. Also shout out to my therapist for helping me get through that year. I also watched a lot of Netflix that semester because I hated everything and everyone. I binge watched Gilmore Girls, The Legend of Korra, and BBC's Robin Hood. I also became friends with a crazy girl named Koye. She's the best. I also quit Presidential Ambassadors after this year. Turns out it wasn't for me, but I'll always be grateful for my time as a PA because of the friends I made. Amy taught me to sing at the top of my lungs whenever I'm in the shower. Kim taught me that even though I didn't serve a mission doesn't mean I'm not a missionary.

Summer semester (2015):
For two weeks I lived in the beautiful U.K. where I studied Gothic literature and made new friends. Strangely enough we don't have a picture of all of us, except this one where you can't see any of our faces. Trust me, they're great people.

 

Going to London was the best decision I've ever made. I felt like myself there. I was the happiest I had ever been. When the plane landed in London I felt like I was home.

Senior year and a half (Fall 2015- Fall 2016):
Last year was when I moved in with these gorgeous gals, Alexa and Kaeli.

We had hot chocolate parties, Gatsby parties, karaoke parties, just so many parties. It was always an adventure living in this house. They are crazy, loud, and hilarious. I'm very lucky to have lived with them for 1.5 years. Over this last year and a half I have learned a lot about myself. My relationship with my Heavenly Father has grown. I added a film minor, became friends with my professor, watched Netflix, got kissed by a boy who resembles Chris Pine, did my practicum at Cedar City High School, and got my student teaching assignment. I feel like I've grown a lot this semester. Mostly because it's almost time for me to become a true adult (gross). Alexa taught me how to have a better relationship with the spirit. Kaeli taught me to look at my problems and decide whether they are truly problems or not.

Also over the last few years I met these wonderful people who saw me for who I am, accepted me and made me feel special and useful. They helped me find and accept myself. I honestly don't know what I would have done without them the last few years.

 

Devin taught me that I'm unique. Chris taught me that everyone is smart in their own way. Nathaniel taught me that my opinion matters. Jo taught me to not be afraid to show who I am. Alexis taught me it's okay to disagree with people. Lexi taught me that friends are there for you no matter what, even if you just need to watch a movie and eat ice cream.

 I'm so grateful for the people I've met and befriended over the past few years (even if I didn't specifically mention you in this post). I sincerely hope we stay in touch and that we remain friends for a long time to come.

The thing I will miss most about Cedar City is Hermie's Drive-In. They have the best french fries in the whole world.

This is pretty much how I'm feeling right now

I honestly didn't think it would be this hard to move on from Cedar, but it is. I never realized how many good memories I had here. Every time I think about packing I almost start to cry because it's not just going to be for a summer this time. I most likely won't be back here, except when I come back for graduation or I'm driving through to St. George. 

This song also is my situation. It's called "The Last Goodbye" by Billy Boyd. It was featured in the film The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies.  

This song is perfection. I feel like the lines "to these memories I will hold", "I turn to paths that lead home and oh where the road then takes me I cannot tell". So goodbye Cedar City. I'm grateful for the memories I have made here and the people who have entered my life. I will never forget you.

 "I bid you all a very fond farewell".

Student Teaching!

Ever since I was a kid I have wanted to be a teacher. When I was little, about fifth or sixth grade, I wanted to teach daycare. My friends and I even put together a little daycare during the summer for people in our neighborhood. It was a lot of fun. At the end of the summer we put on a play of our own rendition of Rumpelstiltskin. Oh the memories...
When I was in junior high I wanted to teach elementary school because I missed being there. Also elementary school has recess. Then in high school I realized I'd have to teach math if I taught elementary school, and I hate math, so I decided on teaching English. Then, because my junior high English teachers were so influential to me, I decided I wanted to teach junior high too. I had the opportunity to do an internship my senior year of high school at American Fork Junior High every week. I absolutely fell in love. I loved being in the classroom and watching kids learn.
When I graduated from high school, I moved down to Cedar City to attend Southern Utah University. And thus my five year journey began. I loved (most of) my classes. The English ones were great and helped me to think about my beliefs and challenge what I liked to read. The education classes were fun most of the time. I would snapchat my friends during class when my assignments were things like "take this quiz and find out your personality" or "draw a picture that represents this". They always made fun of me and would ask if I was even learning anything.
This semester I've been in "The Block" which is when I take the classes that help me prepare for my student teaching. It's been a bit surreal this semester. I can't believe I'm going to be a practicing teacher starting in January. It's really scary. What if I'm terrible at teaching? What if I really didn't learn squat my 4.5 years of college so far? I feel vastly under-prepared. But I am grateful for the teachers who have gotten me to this point. They have trained me well and I can't wait to start.
So I got my student teaching assignment today. I've been praying it would be up North so I could move back home to be with my friends and family. Lucky for me, my prayers were answered. I will be student teaching at Frontier Middle School in Eagle Mountain! I can't wait! I'm still more nervous than I've ever been, but I'm so glad to know where I'm finally going.
So I'll be seeing you soon Frontier Middle! Until then, this is Jaclyn Landeen, signing off.