My Self-Confidence and Job Search

I've been home from Germany for about four months now, and, at some moments, it has been pretty hard. When I got home, everyone I knew kept asking me what I was going to do, if I'd found a job, etc. I know people didn't mean anything by asking, they were just curious about my plans, but I started to feel pressure from everyone about what I was going to do. My answer was that I still had money saved up, so I didn't have to find work right away. I didn't want to settle for a job I didn't want to do just to please people. I almost went back to my old job at TAMSolutions, but I knew I wouldn't be as happy there as I could be somewhere else, even though the people I worked with there are amazing. So I started my job search.

I'll admit, the first two months, I wasn't really putting my whole heart into the job search. Can you really blame me, though? Job searching is the worst! But I was also kind of glad I didn't have a job at the time. I had a few weddings I wanted to go to, which I wouldn't have to take time off for. My grandpa passed away shortly after I got back, so I wouldn't have to take time off for that. We found out my mom had breast cancer, so I was able to go to appointments with her (she's good now, by the way. It was stage zero and they were able to get it out). I have also been able to go visit my other grandpa and his wife every week because I didn't have work. I've also been able to help neighbors and friends with some stuff as well. When I wasn't doing any of this, I was learning to bake, which has been a lot of fun. Anyway, the point it, I didn't feel the need for a job because I had other stuff going on.

The third month is when I started to feel more and more pressure to get a job. Everyone I saw was asking me about it. My parents didn't ask me as much, but I could tell they were starting to get irritated that I wasn't doing anything because making delicious treats. I'm really grateful that they didn't keep asking me about it, but I could feel the unsaid pressure to get a job. It started to weigh down on me, a lot. I started to get depressed and my self-confidence was in the toilet. I felt like I was letting my whole family down. I was having a huge war inside my brain about whether I should just take any job, so my family would be happy for me or if I should hold out until I found a job that would make me happy. Out of the jobs I had applied for, mostly editing or content writing, I had one interview that my sister had set up for me at her work to be a receptionist. It wasn't what I wanted to do, but I almost took it because my sister was nice enough to set it up for me and because I knew my parents would be happy I was finally doing something besides baking bread. I was tearing myself up inside trying to decide what to do. I finally decided not to take the job because the whole point of me quitting my last job was to do something I really wanted to do, not to please other people.

After making that decision, I got even more depressed because no where else I had applied to was calling me back for an interview. I wasn't good enough for them, just like I wasn't good enough for my friends and family. I was taking my own insecurities out on other people. I was pretty much at constant war inside my head. I was telling myself I was a terrible person, I didn't deserve to have such good friends and family members. I was the worst sister because I snapped a few times. I was the worst daughter because I was avoiding telling my parents anything about my job search because I didn't want to give them hope that I would have a job soon and be out of their hair. I had so many emotions piling up. One day, at a church activity, my Bishop's wife asked me how I was doing, and I started to cry because I was beating myself up so much. We had  a nice talk, but I was still just as confused as before.

The next day, I went to an LDS Temple and did a few ordinances. I prayed for help to know what to do. Later that day, I got a text asking if I could meet with my Bishop that night. When I got there, he first asked if I knew why I was there. I said no, and he said neither did he, he just felt like God wanted him to talk to me. So I opened up just a little about the job search, and how I was struggling to know where to go/what to do. He suggested I study the talk "Abound with Blessings" by Elder Renlund for a few weeks. I learned that blessings come in God's timing, we just need to have faith and continue to do what is asked of us. We also need to ask for blessings, which is a hard one for me. I feel like I'm being selfish asking for blessings, but God wants to bless us, we just need to be humble and ask for those blessings. I'm really grateful that my Bishop listened to the prompting to meet with me that night.

After I met with the Bishop, I felt like I needed to meet with my therapist because my mental state was far from healthy at the moment. It took a lot of courage for me to set up an appointment. It had been a while since I had seen him because I had started to feel better and that I could handle my problems on my own. I finally humbled myself enough to go see him again, and I'm so glad I did. He's literally the best. He understood my frustration with my job search. He understood that it can really bring self-confidence down. He comforted me while also helping me question if finding my dream job right now was more important than finding a job for now, that might lead to the dream job, that might help me fix my relationships was more important. He helped me see that job searching was my full-time job right now and that I had to continually put myself out there. The more I put myself out there, the more connections I would be making. Then instead of nitpicking the jobs I would apply for, I might have a couple job offers, and I would be able to pick from those what I wanted to do. He helped me come up with a goal to apply for at least three jobs a day, so that's what I started to do.
I'll admit, there were one or two days where it took all of my mental energy just to apply for one job, but for the most part I was able to complete my goal. I knew I was trying harder and that I would be blessed for doing my part.

I did start to see more results. I had a phone interview for an editing job for Overstock.com, and I edited a preliminary PDF for an editing job at BYU. I didn't hear back from either of them, though, which was hard. Last week, I got two interviews set up with Lehi city to be a preschool/kindergarten aide. Then, one morning, I was reading in The Book of Mormon, Moroni 7:26 where it says "Whatsoever thing ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is good, in faith believing that ye shall receive, behold, it shall be done unto you". I got down on my knees and prayed to get a job where I was needed. I had prayed about getting a job before, but not as sincerely as this time. A few hours later, I got a call from an elementary school I had applied to. I was asked if I could meet with them the next day. We set up an interview time and hung up the phone. Ten minutes later, they called back and asked if I could just do a phone interview right then. They asked me a few questions then offered me the job on the spot. So, starting Monday, I will be a Teacher's Aide there. I'll be helping with their literacy program, French immersion classes, and other small things. I'm excited to see how it goes.

As for my self-confidence and depression, I'm not a 100% cured, but I am a lot better thanks to the people that have helped me out the last few weeks. I'm still learning that my self-worth is not determined by whether I'm good enough to work for a certain company or what someone thinks of me. It's based on what I think of myself and what God thinks of me. I've learned that my Heavenly Father thinks I'm amazing and that he is there every step trying to help me realize it too. He thinks I'm worth everything and more. Not only does he think this of me, but He thinks this of everyone in the world (yes, that means you). Yes, the last few months have been hard. There were so many times I was so confused. I felt like Heavenly Father wasn't answering my prayers and that I was alone. I know I wasn't alone. He was there and he was sending people to help me, but I had to open myself up to the help. I'm so grateful for my friends and family that have put up with me during my mood swings. I have also learned that we have to ask for the blessings we and trust in his timing. Things will always work out, sometimes we just have to wait a little bit and not lose faith or hope.

Lost in German Woods

This morning, I decided to get a ride with my cousin on his way to work to Baumholder. I wanted to get a manicure because I have a wedding I have to go to the weekend I get home. He asked if I was sure if I wanted to go because I would have to hang out there all day, and there’s not a whole lot to do there. I didn’t think I’d be walking around too much, so I ignored the thought to wear my tennis shoes and put on my boots instead (mistake number 1). To keep myself busy, I went to the grocery store, ate a Berliner, got my nails done, went to a few shops, ate an early lunch (cordon blue schnitzel is one of the most delicious things I’ve ever had), then decided to catch the bus back home. The bus didn’t show up.
I knew there was some sort of hike back, so I looked that up. My Google Maps informed me that the walk/hike to the castle near my house would take about two hours, which was no big deal. I’ve been walking about two hours a day for a while now. I decided to try it, so I turned on my newly borrowed audiobook, “The Magician’s Nephew” by C.S. Lewis, and started to follow the instructions on my app. Instead of informing my cousin I was going on this little adventure, I decided I’d wait to tell him when I got back home that I had left (mistake number 2).

The first forty minutes were more of a walk in a park. If you’ve ever been to Art Dye park and walked their path, it was similar to that. I saw that my phone battery was starting to die pretty fast because I had Google maps up. I looked ahead and saw that I mostly just had to follow the path I was on and look for the little “Nordic walk” signs I figured I could do that, so I turned my maps off (mistake number 3).
I followed the signs as best I could. I came to a clearing that had a lot of signs up, but they mostly just explained the types of trees, birds, and insects there were in that part of the wood. There were three paths I could take from there. I didn’t see the sign that I was supposed to follow, so I figured I’d better take the straight one instead of left or right.
I found different signs that looked promising, so I started to follow those. After about an hour, I realized I should have reached my destination about thirty minutes before. I pulled out my phone to see where I was, but I had no service. All I could see was that I was in the middle of the woods, and I didn’t need Google maps to tell me that.

I paused my book, said a quick prayer, and decided to keep going on the path I was on. I turned my book back on and kept walking. After about 10-15 minutes, I started to get a little nervous. I tried my maps one more time. It was still having trouble locating me, but from what I could get from it, I wasn’t near Thallichtenberg at all. I couldn’t believe that I was two days away from seeing my friends and family again, and I was lost in the woods, never to return.
I finally decided to just go back the way I had come. I turned around and tried to follow the path back. Luckily, I remembered certain spots along the path I had been walking so I didn’t get mixed up on any other paths. By the time I turned around, my book had finished, so I didn’t have a distraction anymore.

I didn’t get as anxious or nervous as I thought I would. I actually felt kind of peaceful and that everything would be alright. I kept a little prayer in my heart the whole time. But my thoughts did wander around a bit. I kept thinking how my old boss, Curtis, would be so upset with me for wandering in the woods alone. When we were working together, he went to go help find a lost boy scout in Idaho who had wandered from the group. I could only imagine the lecture I would get from him if he knew I was lost in the woods with no food or water.
I also remembered a story my friend told me about a similar situation he had been in on his mission. He had served his LDS mission in Germany. One night, he and his companion were walking through the woods to go to a town over to give someone a lesson. They got lost too. After a few hours, a lady found them and led them to where they needed to go. As I remembered this story, I thought “man, if only someone would show up here and guide me out. But what are the chances of that happening?” Moments later, I saw a dog running around and heard a whistle. I looked up and saw a woman.
 I couldn’t believe it. I walked up to her and asked her if she spoke English. Miracle of miracles, she did! I told her I was lost and trying to go to Burg Lichtenberg, or Thallichtenberg. She gave me a confused look, so I asked about the way back to Baumholder. She said I was going the long way back and that she would take me to a short cut.

I followed her for about five minutes until we came to a path that looked like cars would drive down occasionally. She said to follow this the whole time, to keep going straight. She told me multiple times to not turn left or right, just go straight. I would eventually pass her car, and I should keep going straight. I would eventually get to Baumholder. I thanked her multiple times, then started on my way back.
I couldn’t believe that I had run into someone, let alone someone who spoke English. The song “Angels Among Us” came into my head. I know the song is kind of cheesy, but ever since my brother passed away, this song has always had a special place in my heart. I knew that God had heard my prayer and despite my stupidity decided to answer it.

After about twenty minutes, I passed her car, so I knew I was getting close to the city. A few minutes after that, I heard the car coming up behind me. She pulled over and told me she’d give me a ride the last mile into the city. I couldn’t believe it. She was so nice. She took me into the city and dropped me off at the grocery store where I was able to rest, drink some water, and hang out until my cousin was off of work.
I realized how dumb I was. I shouldn’t have turned off my Google maps because I would have been home in two hours instead of lost for three. I also should have told my cousin, just in case I didn’t get back out so he could have some idea where I was and throw a search party to find me. I also should carry a snack and water around with me.
Today was a testimony builder in a couple ways for me. 1. Listen to the promptings, no matter how small (like wearing certain shoes, or texting someone where you’ll be) because they might help you in the long run. 2. The Lord answer prayers. Sometimes they are immediate, other times you have to wait a while for the answer, but it will come. We just have to trust that he is leading us where we need to go.

Just a Tad Homesick

For the last two weeks, I was traveling around in England. I had previously been on a study abroad there a few years ago and absolutely fell in love. This time around, I had the opportunity to stay with a cousin who was there on a work business trip. When I got there, I didn’t get the same feeling I had expected to get. I was still happy to be there, but I wasn’t bouncing off the walls like I had been before. I explored the city by myself for a few days while my cousin was at work, trying to reorient myself with the city. Then my cousin’s siblings flew out and all of us got to hang out for a few days. I’ve never gotten to hang out with them like this before. Usually, it had only been Thanksgiving and Christmas parties that we saw each other. It was good and fun to hang out with them. I’m really glad we were able to meet up. But it also made me miss my immediate family a lot. Everywhere we went, I would think someone in my family would love what we were doing, and I was sad they weren’t there to see it. I was kind of the tour guide since I had previously been there and knew where everything was. I’m glad I was able to help them get around the wonderful city, but I don’t like being in charge. I like being the supporter. So leading my cousins around really tired me out as well.

After a few days of exploring London, my cousins left me and flew home. I stayed in London to meet up with a friend. We got to see “The Phantom of the Opera” and “Mamma Mia”. Phantom was probably the highlight of being there. It was so amazing. Then we took a train to Oxford and hung out there for a few days. We got to see where some of “Harry Potter” was filmed, and visit the graves and homes of JRR Tolkien and CS Lewis. It was a great time. I’m really glad she came over and we got to hang out, but I still really missed my family, was homesick, and it was making me very tired. Two weeks (let alone the two months I’ve been gone) is a long time to not be sleeping in your own bed and to be constantly going somewhere or doing something. Don’t get me wrong. I loved spending time with my cousins and my friend, but I didn’t have time enough in between everything to “recharge”. When I finally got home, I slept a lot. Being an introvert, I recharge my batteries by being by myself. Being social takes a lot out of me. For the last five days, I’ve mostly stayed at home sleeping and watching Netflix because I have been so exhausted. I feel better today but still pretty tired. I’m also still a tad homesick.

I feel like my relationships have grown stronger, in a way, since I’ve been gone because I realize how much I miss and love my friends and family. I didn’t think I would get homesick at all. When I was on my study abroad I didn’t miss anyone (no offense). I was actually kind of mad to be home. My family was pretty offended when I got off the plane and wasn’t happy to see them. Then, when I was away at school, I never really got homesick either. I knew I could come home on weekends and see my family and friends any time I wanted. I figured three months away would be no big deal. Originally, I had planned on being gone a full year. I’m really glad Idecided to just do three moths instead. I’m having a great time, but after being away for two months, I am ready to go home. Luckily, I have a few small trips planned to keep my occupied the last month I’m here. My friends are coming to visit in a few days, which I’m really excited about. I’m trying to go to Salzburg for a few days with a new friend. I want to go visit another friend in Paris for a weekend. I’m going to Amsterdam for a week with some friends. Hopefully it will be good, and distract me from being homesick. I’m really grateful for the friends I’ve made out here. I’m thankful that my cousin is letting me live with him and have these experiences. I’m also really glad my friends and family keep messaging me and letting me know they miss me just as much as I miss them. I can’t wait to see you all again in a month. But until then, I’m going to keep trying to have the time of my life out here.

My Weekend Trip to Ireland

This last weekend, my cousin and I flew to Ireland for a four day weekend trip. We flew in Thursday night to Dublin, checked in to Ashfield Hostel and went right to bed because we had to catch a bus early in the morning. It was my first time in a shared room hostel. To be honest, it was a little weird, but it was fine in the end. It’s definitely cheap and easy.

After we got on the bus, we realized we were matching 🤣.

Cliffs of Moher/Doolin:

We took the CityLink bus from Dublin to Galway, which was about two hours. I couldn’t stop staring out the bus window because of how beautiful the country was. It was so green, I couldn’t believe it. We got dropped off at GMIT in Galway and had to wait an hour for the next bus, which we took with Bus Eireann, that would take us to The Cliffs of Moher. This bus ride was about two hours and it made me sick because it is in the country so the roads are bumpy and windy.

The Cliffs of Moher was absolutely spectacular. If you go to Ireland, you have to go there. Every step I took, I wanted to take a picture because the view was different than it was a second before. I could not believe how beautiful it was. I was in awe the entire time. I can’t describe the feeling it gave me to be standing on the cliffs looking at such a masterpiece of nature. God is an amazing artist. I wanted to capture everything. The sound of the waves crashing again the cliffs. The sound of the seagulls flying overhead. The smell of the fresh ocean air. It was all just a perfect moment.

We went during the off season for tourists, it being winter and all, so it was pretty windy and cold but worth it because there weren’t a lot of crowds. The bad side to this was that they didn’t have shuttle buses going very often. We got there about 3:15. After about 1.5 hours of walking on the cliffs, we went to look at the gift shops, which closed at 5:00. When the visitor center closed, we went to look at the bus schedule to see the bus we could get and the next bus wasn’t until 6:15. The bus, we would later find out, usually ran about 15 minutes late as well. So we had to wait about two hours in the cold wind as it was getting dark for our bus. If I was to do the cliffs again, I would either rent a car and drive, or I would go during the tourist season when there are more shuttles, or we found out that there is a path from the cliffs to Doolin, where our hostel was, that takes about 2 hours to walk, so we would have just done that instead of waiting for the bus. But of all the places to be stranding, The Cliffs of Moher was the best place.

We stayed that night at The Rainbow Hostel in Doolin. Doolin is a quaint little town about 15 minutes from the cliffs. They only have one hostel, but they have a lot of B&Bs. Since it wasn’t tourist season, a lot of the B&Bs didn’t seem to be open. There are two pubs pretty close to each other that switch off having music and serving food each night so each can get the crowds that come during the winter. We ate at McGann’s pub. Kevin got the lamb roast which was really good. I got the fish and chips, which was pretty good. Our hostel was very quaint. It is run by a middle aged couple who are very nice. I liked them immediately. The scones for breakfast were delicious. The only downside was that the water was a little cold. Also my phone wasn’t connecting to the WiFi. It was my favorite hostel of the trip, though.

We woke up and took our time because the bus wouldn’t come until 11:30 to pick us up. We asked the hostel owner where would be a good place to walk to and she suggested the little graveyard about ten minutes walk away. We walked over there and looked at the old headstones. I think the oldest one we found was from about 1840. It was pretty cool. Kevin decided he was hungry, so we went back to McGann’s for him to eat breakfast. It was so quaint because they had their fireplace going. Also their WiFi was the best. After breakfast we caught the bus back to Galway.

Galway:

After the two hour bus ride back to Galway, we went to the Celtic Tourist Hostel and checked in. Our host there was kind of weird, but very nice. It was our second favorite place to stay. Then we walked around, mostly taking in our surroundings. We had heard about Charlie Byrne’s bookshop, so we went there. It was definitely my favorite place in Galway that we went. All the books were really cheap and they were all so beautiful. I bought two of them. We walked around the shops a little more, walked to a church that they had, and mostly just took everything in. We went to the cathedral there, the organist was practicing. It was a really cool experience. It was very beautiful.

For dinner, we went to The Pie Maker where they serve savory and sweet pies. I had the chicken and mushroom, which was delicious. I just was a little sad that my gross cabbage seeped into my potatoes and pie a little bit. We were completely full, so we didn’t order dessert.
 We walked around some more and ended up at the college rugby game. We only stayed about 15 minutes because it was about to end, but it was a lot of fun. Being in Ireland and not being someone who drinks alcohol is a little hard. There’s nothing really to do at night when the shops close because you don’t want to hang out at pubs if you don’t drink. Luckily, we were able to find The Secret Garden cafe. It was my second favorite place in Galway. It had a very chill atmosphere. I ordered a hot chocolate and some sort of pastry. They both weren’t the best I’d had, but they were pretty good. I mostly liked the place for the vibe. You could sit there for hours and no one would bother you.
The next day, we got up early to catch the bus back to Dublin. We stopped at Cafe Express to grab a muffin before our bus ride and it was one of the best muffins I’ve ever had. I got the raspberry one. Not only did it have little raspberry chunks in the muffin top, but the muffin bottom has two full raspberries in it. I was in love.

Dublin:

We got to Dublin about 11:30 am on Sunday. A lot of the things we wanted to see didn’t open until later because it was Sunday, so we went to walk around and try to find where Bram Stoker had once lived. We found a cool mural someone had done of Dracula in his honor. At 12:30, we walked to Trinity Library where they had The Book of Kells exhibit and we could see The Long Room, which was the inspiration for the Hogwart’s Library. It was definitely the highlight of Dublin for me. It took us about 10-15 minutes to wait in line to get in then about 1.5 hours to look around. The Book of Kells was pretty cool. I didn’t actually know what it was until we got there, though. It is a really cool exhibit. I learned that it is a manuscript in Latin of the four gospels in the New Testament.

After that, we dropped out stuff off at Abigail’s Hostel then headed to St. Patrick’s Cathedral for Evensong. I like going to catholic church every once in a while. We heard a great sermon about being positive and trying to say “yes” to good things more often. It’s also free to go to Evensong whereas it is not free to go into the cathedral when church is not happening.
After church, we went to the Chester Beatty library. We could only stay for a half an hour because church went until 4:15 and the exhibit was only open until 5. I wish we could have stayed longer. There was a really cool collection of books from different countries and time periods. We practically ran through all three exhibits so we could see everything. After that, we decided we were finally hungry for dinner. The waiter at McGann’s had told us to avoid Temple Barstreet because it was super touristy and to go to Middle Ashely street, so we walked over there but there wasn’t a lot and most of it was closed. We went back to Temple Bar street and found The Vat. Our eyes were bigger than our stomachs because we ordered wa too much. Kevin wanted the deep fried Brie, which was pretty good but a lot. I wanted the deep fried mushrooms, I was a little disappointed. I’ve had better ones at UVU. I ordered the Irish Stew for my main dish and was not disappointed. It was delicious, but super hot. I definitely burned my mouth.
We were super full and decided to walk around a bit to make room for dessert. Temple Bar is definitely touristy, but it’s still pretty fun to walk around in. We wanted to try and find another quaint cafe to eat dessert in and we were in luck. We found a place called Accents. It wasn’t as quaint as The Secret Garden, but it was still pretty chill. This is where I had my life changing hot chocolate. When you order, you can pick the type of chocolate you and. I ordered milk chocolate with a shot of caramel. They brought me a cup of milk chocolate chips and a bowl of. Milk with my caramel making a sloppy on top. I then dumped all my chocolate chips into the cup of milk and melted them. It was so good. I love this because you can decide how much chocolate you want in your hot chocolate. Also because the chocolate literally melts right there. It’s not just a packet of Swiss Miss. The lemon and raspberry bar I got there was yummy too, and I usually don’t like lemon bars. It was a fun place to people watch. A lot of couples were there and we were deciding who was interested in who, who would make it as a couple, and who wouldn’t. I loved it.

We went to our hostel afterwards and thus began one of the worst nights. The hostel itself wasn’t bad, but there was one person in the same room as us that was the WORST. He was loud coming into the room late at night, then he very loudly snored all night ( I get that he can’t help it, but it was really bad). He then was the first one up, at 4:30 am, and was being VERY loud. He also kept turning lights on and not turning them off. For about three hours he was doing this. Everyone in the room was fed up with him.
After we checked out, we walked around a park that I don’t know the name of. It was under construction but still very pretty. Then we went to Marsh’s Library which holds some of the rarest and oldest books in the world. It’s also where Bram Stoker used to hang out. It was really cool. Then we walked around for forever trying to find a place to eat our last meal in Dublin. We finally decided on the  Kingfisher Restaurant. I got a traditional Irish breakfast and added a fruity scone. It was absolutely delicious. I’m so glad I picked it. It was also one of the cheapest restaurants we ate at (my meal there was about 11 Euros). Then we walked back to Temple Bar street where there’s a place called The Bubble Waffle Facory. They looked and smelled much better than they tasted, but it was still a fun treat to try. We then hopped on a bus back to the airport for our flight home.

If I had to do this trip over, I would maybe rent a car for Doolin/Cliffs of Moher. We got around great in Galway and Dublin just on our feet, though. I would not want to drive in Dublin. I would also try one of the donuts I saw everywhere in Dublin. They looked amazing. I would also maybe splurge for a hotel/B&B in Dublin because both the hostels there were our least favorite on the trip. Also, I would definitely stay longer and travel to more places, but we only had four days and I’m more than happy with what we did. I really had an amazing time.

Overall, I loved Ireland. It was so beautiful, and I felt pretty safe the whole time. I definitely want to go back. I bonded with my cousin a little bit more, which was good. He taught me how to read people’s body language better and helped me understand myself a little bit more. I’m a terrible decision maker. I usually look out for other people’s feelings and wants/needs over my own. Kevin made me plan the whole day in Dublin. Every time I asked him what he wanted to do, he wouldn’t say anything. He would just make me keep picking things. I learned that it’s okay to not have to sacrifice things I want to do for someone else. Obviously, we need to keep others in mind and compromise on things, but sometimes it’s okay to say you want to do something and then do it. You don’t have to be self sacrificing all the time. I also learned that confidence is key. I’ve always heard it, but this weekend I learned it.I also realized how much I love libraries. I feel bad dragging my cousin to all of them, but I absolutely loved every second of it. That’s what he gets for making the book geek plan everything.

I’m really grateful for the time I had in Ireland, and I can’t wait to go back and see what it has in store for me next time.

Self-Confidence and Loving Myself

I’ve been in Germany for almost a month now, and it’s been going great. I know my last post was a little pessimistic about being here because I was afraid of a lot of things, but I feel a lot better about being here now. I think just writing down and acknowledging my fears really helped me move on from them. I wasn’t keeping them inside any more. I still get nervous about a few things, but I’m not freaked out any more. Now that I’m passed my irrational and paralyzing fears, I’ve realized how good I feel.

My cousin, Melanie, shared an article with me the other day about how Rice University, Columbia University, and The University of North Carolina were studying how living abroad helps with “self-concept clarity”. Basically, people who live abroad have a better sense of self/their values/beliefs, are less stressed, more satisfied with life, and have enhanced clarity about careers. You can read the article Here. After she shared this article with me, I could see some of these happening in my life as I’ve been away.

I have spent a lot of time by myself this last month. I wouldn’t say I’ve gotten to know myself more, but I have come to love and accept myself more. If you didn’t already know, I’m a very nice, introverted, and awkward person. I used to be insecure about these traits, among others, and some times I still am, but I’m more confident in that it’s who I am and I like myself that way. I don’t have to change if I don’t want to.

I do feel less stressed while I’m out here, but mostly because I don’t have a lot to stress about. I’m taking things at my own pace, and I feel really good about how things have been going out here. I am more satisfied with my life. I am not as depressed out here as I was back in the states. It’s amazing to me how calm and not depressed I’ve been. I just feel good. I don’t feel any pressure or weight on my shoulders (besides the usual tightness from my hard bed 😉).

I’m still working on the “enhanced clarity about careers” part. I do know I want to be a mom, but that won’t happen for a lot of time (my cousin informed me this week that I’m blind and can’t tell when a guy is interested in me 🙄 LOL). I still don’t know a whole lot of what I want to do career wise, but that is okay. I just need to figure out a couple more things, which is totally fine. I’ve got plenty of time. I’m only 24. I don’t have to decide on any one thing yet. If I ever do get stuck, I’ll just take a helpful Buzzfeed quiz ha ha.

Overall, my trip hasn’t been what I expected, but that is not a bad thing at all. I love how it is turning out. I was joking when I told my uncle I was going to “find myself” while I was over here, and he was right in his reply that no matter where you go, you’re always there. I’m glad that I’m liking and accepting myself more because I’m my constant companion. Have you ever travelled with someone you hated? It sucks. You are the one person you are constantly with, so you might as well love yourself.

What I’ve Learned About Myself

When I was planning my trip to Germany, my wise uncle Shane asked me why I was going. I said it was a good experience that I probably wouldn’t get again. I also half jokingly said I was going to “find myself”. He then said to me, “Well, I’ve learned that no matter where you go, you are always there.” And it’s very true. You are always everywhere you go, but sometimes you don’t realize things about yourself until you’ve been put in certain situations, I guess. I’ve only been in Germany for 16/97 days, but I’ve already learned a few things about myself.

I’ve learned that as introverted as I am, it’s still nice to have human interaction. I’m pretty much alone all day every day until my cousin gets home from work. Even though we still don’t talk a whole lot, it is nice to just have someone else around. I have also been blessed to make a few new friends that are amazing. I’m really glad to know a few more people here in Germany. Human interaction is something everyone needs in one form or another. Whether we are having a night on the town, sitting in the living room, talking about anything and everything, or have been silent for hours, it’s just good to be with friends.

I have learned that I have a hard time controlling my imagination and always end up scaring myself. My cousin’s house is pretty old and makes a lot of noises. Whenever I hear these noises, I automatically think someone is coming to kill me. When I go on a walk, I think every sound I hear is someone coming to kill me. Why not just put my headphones in and play music so I don’t hear the noises? Because I would rather hear the noise and prepare for whatever will happen rather than not hear it and be surprised by it. I would blame it on movies and tv, but I don’t watch scary things precisely for this reason.

This habit of scaring myself with my imagination has helped me learn that I am afraid of A LOT of things, most of them irrational. To list a few that have come up these last two weeks: I’m afraid that coming out here was a mistake. I’m afraid I’m going to die alone out here. I’m afraid of writing a book but also afraid of not writing a book. I’m afraid I won’t be missed by people back at home. I’m afraid to tell someone I like them. I’m afraid of losing people. I’m afraid of losing myself. I’m afraid of finding myself and not being very great. I’m afraid I won’t visit all the places I want to out here because I’m too afraid to go out by myself because I’m afraid I’ll be kidnapped/raped/attacked. I’m afraid that I will change out here but also afraid I won’t. I’m afraid I’ll gain weight and won’t fit into the bridesmaid dress I have to wear at my cousin’s wedding the day I get back. That’s a lot of fears going on in my little mind. I’ve just realized this is probably a form of anxiety that has decided to show up in my life.

To go along with learning that I’m afraid of things, I’ve learned that I’m tired of being afraid. I want to overcome my fears, but I am trying to be realistic about it and realize they aren’t going to go away over night.  Just like Bill Murray’s character, Bob Wiley, in the hilarious movie What About Bob, I am taking “baby steps” to overcome my fears.

•  Every time I get anxiety about going out, I remember how much some of my friends love this country. They served missions here, so they may be a little biased, but I love the way their eyes lit up when they showed me pictures and told me stories about when they lived here. That helps calm me down a little.  
• Instead of throwing myself into the deep end, I’m slowly wading out. I’m going out with friends every weekend to familiarize myself with the country a little more so I can eventually go out of city limits by myself without feeling like I’m going to die.
•  I’ve realized that putting my thoughts into words by writing them makes me feel better. So, I’m trying to write a little everyday. I don’t have to write a whole novel while I’m here. Just write everyday, whether that’s on my blog, in my journal, a chapter in a book, it doesn’t matter. Just as long as I’m writing. 
•  I’m trying to reach out to people more. I’m trying to open up more. I’m trying to be more accepting of myself and others. This one is hard because I’m not very good at talking to others about myself, emotional things, or anything really unless the other person brings it up.
• I’m trying to do a little bit of exercise every day so that I am stronger and can run a block without getting winded in case I do get attacked, so I don’t gain ten pounds from all the delicious pastries, and because it makes me feel better during the day.

This is going to sound really cheesy, so bear with me. Sometimes I feel like Bilbo Baggins. An introverted hobbit that likes to eat food about to go on an adventure. Like me, he was hesitant and scared to go but realized these sort of chances don’t come every day. So he went. He made friends. He conquered his fears. If Bilbo can do it, then I can too. 

The Cost of Following Your Dreams

Growing up, most of our lives are are told to “follow our dreams”. We’ve grown up watching Disney movie where characters chase and achieve their dreams, living happily ever after. People think they will finally be happy when they achieve their dream. All they do is focus on getting there that sometimes they get lost and lose sight of what is really important, maybe they end up cutting ties with important people in their life as well, or just miss out on other opportunities that would make them happy too. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately as I’ve been trying to figure out what my dreams are and how to achieve them. Three examples of this have been on my mind as I've thought about dreams and the price we might pay to follow them: The Broadway musical “Wicked” (2003), the musical movie “La La Land” (2016), and the new movie "Bohemian Rhapsody" (2018). These examples have made me contemplate whether following our dreams is really worth it or not.

If you don’t know the story of “Wicked” it is a story about the two witches from “The Wizard of Oz”: Elphaba the Wicked Witch, played by Idina Menzel, and Glinda the Good Witch, played by Kristin Chenoweth. They were roommates at school who originally hated each other but then became friends. There’s a song in the musical called “Thank Goodness” where the lyrics talk about how it feels to achieve your dream. When this particular song comes on, Glinda has just accepted the job of the Good With because Elphaba turned it down, which caused them to part ways. It’s an extremely underrated song. There’s a part in the song where Glinda sings:

 “I couldn’t be happier/Though it is, I admit/The tiniest bit/Unlike I anticipated/But I couldn’t be happier/Simply coudn’t be happier/Well-not simply:/Cause getting your dreams/It’s strange, but it seems/A little-well-complicated/There’s a kind of a sort of cost/There’s a couple of things get lost/There are bridges you cross/You didn’t know you crossed/Until you’ve crossed/And if that joy, that thrill/Doesn’t thrill you like you think it will/Still-/With this perfect finale/The cheers and the ballyhoo/Who?/Wouldn’t be happier?/So I couldn’t be happier/Because happy is what happens/When
all your dreams come true/Well, isn’t it?/Happy is what happens/When all your dreams come true!”

Glinda is trying to convince herself that becoming the Good Witch was worth losing her best friend over. Ultimately she got what she wanted, but it still didn’t make her as happy as she thought it would have. She pretty much has to force herself to smile and be happy so that no one will think she isn’t.

A similar thing happens in the movie “La La Land”. Mia, played by Emma Stone, is trying to follow her dream of becoming an actress in Hollywood. Sebastian, played by Ryan Gosling, is trying to
follow his dream of opening a jazz club. The eventually meet, fall in love, then decide to follow their dreams instead of stay together. At the end of the movie, they both achieved their dreams, but what did it cost them? There’s a scene of what their life could have been if they had chosen to stick
together.

They way this scene was filmed implies that their life would have been happier and more passionate than it is without each other except Sebastian would not have the Jazz club he always dreamed of. In the end, they both got what they wanted and seem content, but we are left wondering if they could have been happier if they had stuck together.

Another  good example is “Bohemian Rhapsody”. The band Queen was able to reach their dream of becoming famous. But once the dream was achieved, Freddie Mercury, played by Rami Malek, got lost  on his way to following his dreams and started to cut the wrong people out of his life. He eventually found his way back, but a lot of his life was full of loneliness because he didn’t have the right people to share his dream with. Luckily, he realized his mistake and was able to mend the relationships he had cut off from before it was too late.

So what have we learned from these three examples? Glinda taught me that sometimes our dreams aren't really what will make us happy. Mia and Sebastian taught me that we have multiples paths that lead to different types of happiness, we just have to decide which one we want. Freddie Mercury taught me that we need to find true friendship and love to be truly happy, even once we've achieved our dreams. I realize this post sounds really pessimistic about following your dreams. I don't mean to it be. I really think following our dreams can make us happy, and we should follow what makes us happy. I just think we need to be more careful in following our dreams. We need to evaluate what really will make us happy. We always think we will be happier once we achieve our dream, but why can’t we be happy on the way to achieving the dream? Why do we think it’s not okay to change our dreams if we realize we won't be as happy as we think? Do what makes you happy, but, most importantly, do it with those who help make you happy.

Please leave a comment on any insights or thoughts you have about following our dreams! I would love to hear any comments you have to share.